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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I knew my husband would not be equal but I didn’t expect him to be as bad as he is. He really thinks he does a lot too. I love him and he’s important, but I would have less labor if he didn’t live here. I fantasize about a 50/50 custody schedule even though I don’t actually want that at all. I thought he would step up overtime but he’s just lazy and selfish. That’s the truth. [/quote]

This is so real.

And yes to the part about having more work if I was a single parent. I'm not saying I want to be a single parent -- I love my DH and get emotional value out of our relationship, plus I do think it's better for kids to be in a home with both parents. But my DH is soooooooo lazy. And he would admit it. It's not just about parenting, though yes he's a lazy parent. [b]He won't schedule a doctor's or dentist appointment FOR HIMSELF. He doesn't like ironing, so he just wear wrinkled clothes, and when something absolutely hast to be ironed, he will put it off until the absolute last minute (and sometimes I offer to do it just so it can be done and we can pack a bag or leave the house or whatever).[/b]

I don't just do more childcare and housework. I take care of the car, I do maintenance on the house and yard, I plan our vacations, I research and execute all major appliance, furniture, or car purchases, when we move I do all the real estate stuff plus 90% of the packing and executing the move. [b]I make sure we get kid and family photos and make sure they get sent to grandparents. I select gifts for his parents and brother when he puts it off and puts it off. I wrap all gifts. He also offloads most of his wardrobe maintenance to me by simply never buying clothes to replace his clothes once they are falling apart, and then when it's his birthday or Father's Day or Christmas, he just says "I don't know, I need new pants but I'm not sure what." So I wind up buying most of his clothes, figuring out what is in fashion, what goes with what he has, shopping sales, etc.[/b] I do our taxes and manage our retirement accounts. AND I do most of the childcare and the housekeeping (I do basically all the cleaning except he occasionally cleans the kitchen, and I'm primary parent for everything from school to drop off/pick up to arranging childcare to bedtimes and meals and hygiene, etc. -- there is no child-related thing that he takes the lead on).

He does none of this for me. He's never booked a vacation for me, he can't even make a reservation for my birthday -- I do it myself because I've learned that otherwise it won't happen. He doesn't buy my clothes or get the oil changed in my car or make sure the yard is taken care of or replace lightbulbs. If I ask him to do these things (and I MUST ask, he will never do them voluntarily), he will put it off indefinitely or complain he doesn't know how or say "you've always done it before, it's easier if you do it this time."

Stuff he does do, he wants like a freaking Purple Heart for it. If I ever complain about any of the above, he'll point out that he goes to the grocery store more, does about half the cooking, and does the laundry about 30% of the time. He also checks our credit card statement each month to make sure there is nothing unauthorized and makes sure that we have the right amount of money in the checking account to pay off the balance. He also occasionally makes me a cup of tea in the morning without me asking for it. I am grateful for all of these things. But it's not half, it's not even close to half. He's just a very lazy person and I pick up all his slack because we're married and have a kid together and him putting crap off or avoiding it just winds ups screwing me over in some other way later.

And people will refer to my DH as "one of the good ones" because they see him hanging out with our kid and being a good dad, he'll mention cleaning or laundry, he seems engaged with our lives. Bu the doesn't actually do this stuff. He's just kind of vaguely taking credit for the enormous amount of stuff I do that makes our lives function, and peopel don't press him on it because why would they, so from the outside our marriage looks egalitarian, but I honestly think my DH does less than my dad did if you add it all up, because my dad was the clear breadwinner (my mom worked but as a nurse and made very little money back then) and he also did all the yard work and anything related to the car. Whereas DH and I both work and make similar amounts and I handle the stuff my dad used to handle plus everything my mom did, too. [/quote]

You husband may be weaponing his incompetence but you are enabling a lot of this behavior.

He doesn't make a doctor or dentist appointment for himself? Then he doesn't go. Let him get cavities, etc. Seriously, you treat him like a child.

YOU want his clothes ironed. Nothing absolute HAS to be ironed, unless he is in the military (which it doesn't sound like he is). So let him wear wrinkled clothes. Or, if you're the one who cares, then do it but acknowledge that you're doing it for yourself.

Pictures are voluntary. Sure, they're important to you, and that's fine, but if you take that task on, again, you need to acknowledge that you're doing it for yourself.

Stop buying gifts for his family. If he doesn't buy them gifts then they don't get gifts. That's not on you. You don't get to take it on and then complain about it. Either do it graciously or not at all.

As for his clothes, he's an adult. If he needs clothes, he will buy them. You spend time figuring out what's "in fashion" and shopping sales for him BECAUSE YOU WANT TO. Stop trying to make these tasks you HAVE to do.

Honestly, you sound like the husband who added "get birth certificate" to his list of tasks. [/quote]

I agree I do the pictures because I want to, though I do also think he appreciates once it’s done. He also rarely takes photos— most of our candid photos are from me.

The other things, are not for me. I used to not buy him clothes or his family gifts. But about 10 years into our marriage, I started taking pity on him and his family. Like he basically never bought his mother gifts. Ever. So I started to note how hurt I would be of my adult child never even acknowledged my birthday or Mother’s Day with a card or gift. He kept saying he meant to buy her things, he just forgot or didn’t know what to get her. But… it’s easy for me. I can think of something his mom would like in like 5 minutes. Find it online at a good price in 10. So I started doing it. And it is easy… but it’s one more thing I do. Same with his clothes. I didn’t used to buy them, I flat out told him he was an adult, but then himself. But he’s so lazy. He was wearing pants with holes in the crotch to work. It was just out of control. I gave in. It’s not for me. I know who he is. I don’t want him to lose friends or become a pariah at work because he can’t dress himself. Yes, I am treating him like a child. He is acting like one.

I iron his shirts for weddings and funerals, the rest of the time I don’t care. But it’s disrespectful in those settings not to do it. If I wait for him to do it, we are late.

Yes, all of this is learned helplessness on his part. But it’s not like I swooped in to fix everything for him. We got years into our marriage with me being hands off. But then I started giving in. I don’t want the father of my children to get cancer and die because he refused to get standard screenings at the doctor. I don’t want them harassed their dad dresses like he’s homeless. I don’t want my mother in law sitting at home wondering if anyone loves her. And so on.

He is an extra child to me. Everyone else thinks he’s great, that I’m lucky to have married him. If I mention this stuff, they say what you do — oh, that’s on you, you just care about it more, blah blah.

My life would be easier if I was divorced. But worse for our kids (and him). I do love him. But our marriage is deeply unequal.[/quote]

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