Reply to If H takes this job, it’s going to break me.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Wait it out my fanny.  Are you some doormat SAHM who's congratulating herself on how much crap she put up with for decades?  Sorry but allowing yourself to be mistreated ks not a solution, it's a failure.[/quote]

Um, no, and I'm not sure what your vaginas has to do with this.  [/quote]

So your advice is for OP to do all the work herself, allow herself to be treated disrespectfully by a lazy and irresponsible man, let him waste their money, this goes on for decades, and at the end what's the prize?  Still being married to a jerk who's slightly better?  No thanks.[/quote]

He sounds immature. That tends to improve over time.

Where I'm coming from with this is, I did have a husband that didn't do as much housework as I felt he should and also was irresponsible with money. At some point I decided to stop nagging and just accept the situation.  It was not easy and it was not fair.  Fast forward about 10 years- he is now a much greater contributor to the household-- does all cooking, shopping, schlepping the kids around, and a non-terrible amount of cleaning. (I still do more cleaning.)  And, his income is now extremely high, high enough that he is still able to make silly purchases or lose money in predictable ways and it doesn't impact us at all.  I dislike clutter, so I don't love this trait, but it isn't a crisis like it was before. So yes-- people can and often do have a difficult time in the first part of marriage and then go on to have a great marriage.

It sounds like she's done and is leaving him, and that's also a path forward. But this is something that is a fairly common problem in relationships, and if you read the research on it, it does tend to improve with time, and in later life actually flips, with men doing more housework than women in retirement age.   [/quote]

But what if he didn't improve?  What if he never made money?  Would it be worth it then?  Seems like a big gamble, especially if retirement security is on the line.[/quote]

Yeah, that was a gamble. My retirement wasn't on the line though, we were financially okay in that department, along with paying for college, etc.  After devoting a lot of time reading studies on the division of housework in modern American families, I decided that it was likely to improve and focused on that.  It's hard to visualize the counterfactual, how I would have felt if we were still dealing with this. But I tend to be data driven and the numbers for married people are generally better than unmarried.

If my husband never made money at all, I wouldn't have married him. Financial security is a huge factor to me.  He was always a good earner, just an even better spender until he made so much it'd be difficult to spend it. [/quote]

So you married an immature man who treated you badly, but that's ok because money?[/quote]

He treated me poorly in a way that the majority of men treat their wives poorly.  In most American households, women do the majority of housework.  So, uh, yeah, like most women in hetero couplings, who stay married, I tolerated this suboptimal yet common condition until it subsided. My decision to do so was less about money and more about wanting to be married to a man.   [/quote]

Maybe in your generation it's that common, but I'm sad for you that you think that was the price of marriage.  Personally I'd rather be single.[/quote]

It's common in every generation.  Here's a recent Gallop poll:  https://news.gallup.com/poll/283979/women-handle-main-household-tasks.aspx

And it's worse than this, bc it's been proven that men report doing more housework than they actually do.  Gallop is tracking self-reported activity. So even the lies are underperforming.

I do think this is the price of heterosexual marriage; and yes, it does make sense for women to carefully consider if this is a price worth paying before they get married.  If you are single and this would be a deal breaker for you, you may want to either stay single or have a very firm agreement, because this is very much a modern reality.  [/quote]

Again, saying that women handle most houshold tasks is misleading.  Many of those couples do it that way on purpose and consensually.  It's different when they intend another arrangement but the man is too immature to keep it.  That is not normal.

I'm sad for you that you have to BS yourself with misleading data to tolerate your husband's bad treatment of you.[/quote]

All these women consensually doing far more housework.  Nothing to see here! [/quote]

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