Reply to When to tell kids the truth about their father’s adultery as reason for divorce

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "When to tell kids the truth about their father’s adultery as reason for divorce"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think there are two questions here. [b]The first one, do you proactively tell your children that a parent cheated? The answer to that, to me, is no. [/b]

Your kids should not be in the middle of their parents fights. And they shouldn't feel responsible for picking a side. And the moment one parent decides to put the burden of that knowledge on them, they will feel that. Just like your kids might know you're not wealthy but shouldn't know how much is in your bank account and when the electricity bill is due, they can know that the marriage is struggling but don't need to know the details if both parents expect to play active present roles in their kids lives.

When a marriage ends because...the two people just fell out of love or something more ambiguous and harder to grasp you don't give your kids your marriage counseling notes. They just don't need to know that.

That said, the second question, 'should I tell my kid's that I/their parent had and affair when they ask me directly?' I think the answer to that is to be honest in a way that doesn't make the child feel like they should cut off the other partner. If they have figured it out, then lying to them is in fact gaslighting. But again, the primary goal should be avoiding inserting the child into the fight as a player vs spectator.

And perhaps a third question is, 'if my spouse had an affair and just bounced out of our lives, should I be honest with my kid?' And in that case, where one parent either abandoned the kid or truly put them on the 'first family' back burner, you should be honest with them about what happened and validate their feelings and not push them to try have a relationship with an absent crappy parent where they end up continually crushed with disappointment. [/quote]

So I guess you are advocating for them to learn the truth from someone else, someone who has no motivation not to be cruel.

Do you really think the truth of an affair will remain hidden? [/quote]

Lets say you have two BFFs. And you guys are very tight (Susie, Lauren, and you, Jojo). Susie and Lauren have a bad falling out because Susie stole Lauren's necklace and pawned it. If Susie tells you this story, you will feel like she is telling you to drive a wedge between you and Lauren. If Lauren tells you this story, and apologizes, you will feel like Lauren is trying to make amends and while you might be upset with her, you will be able to make a decision about your relationship with her apart from Susie's feelings. If Scott, the guy who sits behind you in homeroom tells you, then you will probably feel betrayed and confused and mad at Susie and Lauren for keeping you in the dark.

So what does this metaphorical anecdote say? That the kid in this situation is in a delicate position and every adult involved should be trying to ensure that they feel like they are respected, loved, and not responsible for choosing sides.

So if Dad cheated with say, the kid's soccer coach and everyone in the city limits knows the story, then Dad should find a way to tell the kid in a compassionate way. If Mom was flying to California once a month to cheat with a colleague on the west coast and no one knows except mom and dad, then no one should say a word.

The two worst outcomes, in my opinion, and honestly probably equally horrible for the kid are

1) Wounded parent talking about how the other parent is evil and talking about this constantly in front of the kid for a sustained period of time 
2) Kid finding out because the whole school/whatever is talking about it and their family is the subject of the gossip mill

The kid should exit any divorce (at least any divorce where one parent is not abusive or in the process of becoming absent) feeling like both parents love them, and both parents want them to love the other parent. And there is no way for the wounded spouse to deliver that message in a way that won't come off as 'be on my team'. There just isn't.

A kid asking directly as a teen/adult is a different situation though. [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics