Reply to If you forgave infidelity, how did you do it?

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Reply to "If you forgave infidelity, how did you do it?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]If your beloved puppy drags diarrhea all across the rug, you clean it up and still love him.  It's like that.  Sometimes the love is greater than the infraction.[/quote]

You just compared cheating to diarrhea. And your partner to a dog.

The point of marriage is that you commit to honesty, fidelity, monogamy. That’s the whole point. If you can’t hack it then don’t stay married. And honestly, if someone can’t hack it then what they’ve messed up is not a contingent part of the relationship but the core of it. Very hard to come back and build a true love after that.[/quote]

Me thinks you don't understand analogies.[/quote]

Making messes in the house is natural and to be expected for a pet.
Sleeping with another person and lying about it is a choice and a massive betrayal for a spouse. [/quote]

Stop being dense.

Duh, cheating is betrayal.

Anyway, because you clearly are unable to synthesize an analogy, the point is when you really love someone, you can forgive them and really move on.  Or, if you can't, you can't.  Complaining won't get anybody anywhere.[/quote]

The whole “when you really love someone, you can forgive them and really move on” shifts the blame of the infidelity from the perpetrator to the victim.  The breaking of the relationship becomes the fault of the victim for being unable to forgive instead of the fault of the perpetrator for breaking a promise of monogamy.

Infidelity, particularly repeated infidelity is a serious form of emotional abuse. It involves lying and manipulation.  It is a betrayal that breaks the trust that is the foundation of any intimate relationship.  It often creates a kind of long term PTSD.

I really loved my DH before I found out about his infidelity.  I really loved him afterwards.  But, I recognized that his behavior was unsafe and unhealthy for me.  I also realized that I deserved better than to be tied for life to someone who lied and manipulated me like that.

Love is not some uncontrollable force. I chose to fall out of love with him.  I ended my relationship with him. I stopped seeing him as much and stopped investing my time, energy and thoughts about him.

TBH, I felt a huge sense of relief the day I kicked him out of the house, and that sense of peace and healthiness only grew the more distance I put between us.

I would no more use live to justify staying with a cheater than I would use love to stay with someone who hit me. I have been in both situations. They are the same except the hitter leaves a mark that society can see.  The cheater leaves a mark as well - you just can’t see it. [/quote]

This is wild.  Your reaction seems so extreme to me.  There is so much more to marriage than just sex. [/quote]

It's also lying. The person lied. There isn't really a lot more to marriage than being honest to each other and having sex. Think about when you were dating. Why were you dating this person rather than just being friends? In college for instance I had many friends of the opposite sex and one person whom I had a romantic relationship with. You can be friends with your ex spouse. Even live with them and care for them in old age just like with any friend. But it isn't a marriage with betrayal. Once I realized that marriages are built on some basic principles and this is why so many marriages fail because of infidelity or physical violence or stealing money or major lying and not other reasons I realized what was actually important to staying married.[/quote]

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