Reply to Should I excuse DH from nighttime duties?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is just so dependent on each family. If you had a difficult baby who was up all night and it was really affecting you, but your DH still didn't help you at all, then yea, you have issues that are going to affect your marriage and your kids longterm. If you had a fairly easy newborn and you could handle wake-ups yourself and it worked for your family, then fine!

What's important is you and your DH can communicate about what you each need, and [b]your DH is willing to do what it takes for you to both be happy and healthy.[/b]
[/quote]

I think this will come across as picking on you but I don't intend that. The bolded is an example of the pernicious ways that a lack of an egalitarian relationship can impact the very way you think and obscure the consequences. Your DH needs to be willing to do what it takes for you both to be happy and healthy. I don't think I have ever read a comment that says 'the marriage only works if mom is willing to do what it takes for her baby and husband to be happy and healthy.' Because there is an assumption that she's doing that. And if she is lacking, it is in caring for her marriage as well as she is caring for her baby.

This sentence is the seed that grows into seeing a dad at the playground and telling him he's being a great dad (why? going to the playground is not an accomplishment! you'd never say that to a mother). Raising small children is hard and stressful. And when people are doing hard things and stressed out, they tend to default to the easiest path. If mom does almost everything for a baby, then she is the easiest path for every single child related thing that comes later. She knows how to soothe quickly so she soothes. She becomes the person the children go to, they will walk right past a dad on the sofa to a mom folding laundry to ask for milk. And because its just easier for her to do it rather then explain to the kid that they have a dad and have them go over and ask their dad and seem like a passive aggressive b, she gets the milk. And it continues, on and on and on. And so mom just knows everything, and can do everything, and so she does everything. Of course this is a generalization and there are a million shades of grey. But it is not hyperbolic to say this starts with that newborn baby crying at 3am. It is factual. THAT is where a mother is born, putting her needs second, being a person the child clings to, learning how to soothe, learning how to keep on soothing and being there even if its not working and showing the baby you're never going to walk away. That crucible is where real mettle is born, and, frankly, it freaking sucks. It is difficult, even with easy babies it is a difficult exhausting time. And when dads don't go through that, they don't get changed in the same fundamental way mom gets changed. Going through hard stuff is what helps us grow and mature and learn, moms who buffer dad's first year just ensure they never have to face that growth. Don't deprive your husbands of being full time dads. Don't deprive yourselves of an equal partner. Don't let logistics determine patterns that have the potential to create a lifetime of resentment. [/quote]

Okay but this thread is about DADS and so my comment is about DADS. I’m wondering what is wrong with you and your marriage that you are so obsessed with black and white, strict rules, statistics, etc to figure out how to run your own family.[/quote]

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