Reply to What is with DCUM women and "mental loads?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think some people take on too much of the mental load that isn’t even necessary. I’m sure a lot of this is due to societal pressures but some people are just really uptight and make more work for themselves and their spouse shouldn’t have to carry an equal load. However, naming and having “mental load” as part of a conversation is incredibly crucial in building more equitable and healthy relationships. I’d like to raise my children understanding this concept and I’ve chosen a spouse that has a lot of empathy and wants to build an equitable partnership and family. He has certain responsibilities that match his skills and he has full ownership. Its important to recognize that people have different standards so after agreeing on a general vision, let your partner own their job without criticism.

It’s also important to recognize that we have different values and I have to change my expectations around certain things. For example, he doesn’t agree with the commercialization of holidays like Christmas and he doesn’t care for decorating during the holidays. I care more about Christmas so I will buy and put up the lights and select the decorations I want. I keep it minimal and try to buy sustainable decor because we both agree on that point. He would be perfectly fine without lights and decor or even a tree. This responsibility I’ve freely taken on and enjoy, even though it adds to my mental load. If I expected him to participate 50%, I’m setting myself up for failure. Although he does offer to put up the lights himself, I just choose to do it since I have a particular vision and it frees him up to do things he’s better at, like constant repairs to our house. [/quote]

There is much truth in what you wrote. Well done. We have a similar take on Christmas on our marriage, with me taking on the load because it matters more to me. At the same time, telling women that they value things that shouldn't be valued is a cop-out. If I want to put up the Christmas lights, that's on me. But if I do it while I'm also doing 90% of the housework, this might be a time when DH needs to step up in other areas. Too often in marriages, men discount women's load by designating the things they value as unimportant. If there is an even division of responsibilities, then maybe one spouse can take on additional things that the other doesn't value. However, when there's not, the fact that one spouse bears the majority of responsibilities should not be a ticket to refusing to pitch in when the spouse's additional priorities make their shaie unworkable.[/quote]

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