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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]He could get intimate with his wife.  Go into sex therapy, individual and couples counseling.  Hormone balancing for wife if needed, help so she’s not over-stressed.  He could focus all the time and energy he’s putting into having affairs into his marriage and time with his kids. He’s got 1 foot out the door.  It is possible to bring back the passion.  But, of course, a cheater will tell themselves all kinds of stories to justify their behavior.[/quote]

His wife does not want to be intimate (otherwise they WOULD be intimate and he would NOT have an AP). If she wanted therapy they would already be going. If she wanted to "balance her hormones" she would have done that. He does NOT have 1 foot out the door: he is working hard to save their marriage. She doesn't want sex, she should be grateful that his AP is saving her marriage (doing what she does not want to do). But of course, you will tell us that celibacy is not so bad.[/quote]

Cheaters are masterful storytellers. And the person they're mostly telling stories to is themselves. They don't always realize it. In fact, part of coming clean after infidelity is recognizing the stories they've told themselves. Stories like, "nobody appreciates me", or "I work so hard and get nothing in return" or even vague, amorphous stories about how life/work/family just isn't what they thought it would be. And so when someone shows up and pays attention to these guys, listens to their stories, it's intoxicating. They want it to continue. It can feel like a drug. [b]Besides, they tell themselves another story, nobody needs to get hurt. ...but you're not doing good things... That's pretty much cold water on the "nobody gets hurt" story. Because people do get hurt. They are devastated. They are traumatized[/b]. Besides, Perel points out, even if nobody finds out ...you're not doing good things. So if you consider yourself a good guy but...you're not doing good things..., well, then,  how do you square that circle? You don't. Not until your actions are aligned with your declared values. [/quote]

Hmm, story telling...so you think all these men are being dishonest when they say their wives don't want sex?[/quote]

That's the vast majority of cases. Often with the AP women they want what the wife has because their lives stink. They start out acting independent and claim it's only a sex thing when secretly they want much more. One of my friends was getting hang up calls from the AP and other clues because she wanted their marriage to end. The DH only thought of AP as toilet paper like most married men in that situation. The few that leave their families for the AP more often than not break up.

Mine outright told his married AP we were still having great sex when she asked.  She was none to pleased because she was looking for an exit for herself.  He is highly sexed.  She was shocked to hear he was giving it to me 3-4 times per week and her only 1-2 times per month.

She lied to him about not wanting anything more than sex.  He was honest upfront that he wasn’t looking to end his marriage, just looking for midlife excitement.

There are all kinds of cheaters out there that do it for all kinds of reasons.  His was pure childhood trauma related narcissism.  She fed his ego as an outsider telling him how wonderful he was...two immature stunted people from messed up childhoods.

I told him he could have her.  He said he wouldn’t even consider dating her if he were single. [/quote][/quote]

Your comments were embedded so I am reposting them:

"That's the vast majority of cases. Often with the AP women they want what the wife has because their lives stink. They start out acting independent and claim it's only a sex thing when secretly they want much more. One of my friends was getting hang up calls from the AP and other clues because she wanted their marriage to end. The DH only thought of AP as toilet paper like most married men in that situation. The few that leave their families for the AP more often than not break up."

I 100% concur.
[/quote]

The person someone cheats with tends not to be as attractive, interesting, engaging, etc. as the primary partner who is being cheated on.

Rick Reynolds, LCSW says…

“I have never seen a situation where I felt an individual “affaired up”- meaning that they end up with a better person. It may seem like a better decision at the time, but it will prove it to be a step down.”

If nothing else, it will be a step down in terms of maturity, character, integrity, intelligence, loyalty, spirituality, sincerity, etc.

The reasons for why a person “affairs down” are potentially limitless, but the one noticed most often seems to be that the affair partner made the cheater feel good  while stroking his/her ego so much that it didn’t matter what he/she looked like or how his/her character was.

Basically, the wayward spouse is needy and looking for someone to boost his/her ego and winds up looking for someone beneath him/her.

This person will make the cheater feel superior, if only temporarily.  The easiest women to pick up are "unhappily married women".  You aren't getting the cream of the crop there.

“People have affairs even when they have a good sex life and feel connected to their partners,” she says. While she in no way recommends infidelity, when it does happen, Esther Perel views it as an opportunity to “look under the hood” to see how the straying partner needs to change and dig into how the couple interacts in order to strengthen the relationship moving forward.

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