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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Other than cheating/affair/addiction.

Is there anything? I am finding after 2 kids and 11 years of marriage we are really 2 quite completely different people. He has never been my 'best friend' but has always been a friend with some common interests and someone I have loved. 
However, this past year (preCOVID) has been rocky at best for me. We don't share similar future goals/experiences/hopes/dreams. We don't really share common interests anymore. Other than the kids I really can't think of anything I want or need to talk to him about. 
He has been increasingly difficult to talk to because he thinks disagreeing with something requires a fight/argument. Even simple everyday things. I asked him if he could please turn on the dishwasher as i was heading out the door because i forgot to (i had just loaded it) and he proceeds to complain about having to stop work to do the dishes. I said to forget it i would do it when i get home and continued to go on and on. I left because i needed ot get to work and the kids to camps.

We had a big blow up a week ago about weather or not still take a family vacation to a tourist spot. I said I would rather err on the side of caution this time and postpone. He slammed his fists down and started screaming how "I just want to waste money". I said i think we should call to see if we can postpone or get a refund. If not we could discuss options. This wasn't good enough. He went on and on and on. 
I have to say, something just clicked in me. I am just so over him and what our marriage has become. I just don't have it in me. 
I work a stressful job at an outpatient clinic and just don't even want to go home most days. 
Our kids are young (under 11) but I am just miserable and the thought of being with him for another 11 years makes me feel dead inside. [/quote]

Get counseling.

I would divorce over the three "A's":  abuse, adultery, addiction[/quote]

“The three As?” Vast majority of marriages have one or more of those three occur at one point or another. Be realistic before you get married. Marriage is hard and understand what addiction actually means. Plenty of functional alcoholics in DC who also figure out a way to hold it together at home. Plenty of cheaters in this town too whose spouses either turn a blind eye, or also have an AP - and many of these homes are stable. Basically, I would leave if DH physically abused me. [/quote]

People like you are the reason I stayed so long in an abusive relationship.  I thought as long as he wasn't hitting me, I should stay.  That is NOT true.  Emotional and verbal abuse can destroy the abused partner.  Infidelity as well.  [/quote]

People like me? You have no idea what my marriage is like and do not know me. I as well, have no idea what you went through but am very sorry you were in an abusive relationship. [/quote]

To be more specific, I am referring when I say "People like you" to the poster immediately above me.  What I took from that post and its tone (and perhaps I misread, but think not) is the idea, frequently promoted, that all or most marriages have abuse/infidelity or addition, and that posters who think they will not have to confront those issues are being "unrealistic" about marriage.  That people who are alcoholics or adulterers do manage to stay with the spouse because they are "functional" or "hold it together at home" or the spouses "turn a blind eye" or "become cheaters" and you call those homes "stable".  Then you say you would leave if your DH physically abused you -- and coming at the end of everything you wrote, that sounds like you are saying it is the only legitimate reason to end a marriage.

I believe you are promoting a very dangerous (especially to women) and unhealthy (to all, including the kids) idea about marriage -- that marriage is forever and only thing that should end it is if one person is physically abusing the other.  Many people have a very high bar even for when physical abuse ends the marriage -- was it more than one time? did you try to get him into counseling?  are you contributing to it?, etc.

Personally, I didn't leave my abuser until the second time he threatened to beat the crap out of me.  Yes, that's right.  Read that sentence and think about how crazy it is that I would stay with someone who even [b]threatened[/b] to beat the crap out of me[b] once[/b].  I have thought often about why I, a highly educated women with a strong sense of self esteem and a supportive family would have stayed with such a person.  The answer comes down to the VERY strong culture of marriage and love that promotes the idea that we have "one" person that is our soulmate and that marriage is forever no matter what and that kids are permanently damaged by ending a marriage that has abuse, addiction or adultery more than they are damaged by staying in such a marriage.   Add on top of that the prior to the first physical threat, I suffered through 6-7 years of verbal and emotional abuse.  I recognize now that the verbal and emotional abuse -- coming after 3 very good years at the end of which we got engaged -- conditioned me and broke me down to normalize threats, even a threat of physical abuse.

It's not just the culture that supports that but also the legal system (for a long time prior to no-fault divorce) which allowed men to beat and rape their wives without criminalizing those acts as acts of assault or rape.  In fact, the legal system today still does not really protect women who are victims of intimate partner physical abuse.   Neither the culture nor the legal system protect women at all from verbal or physical abuse.  I personally consider AOC's recent speech on the floor of the House to be the first public step in the culture confronting verbal abuse of women.  Again, think how crazy that is.

So that is why I say people like you -- who promote the idea of marriage uber alles -- are the reason I (and other women) stay so long in abusive relationships.

It doesn't matter what your *marriage* is like.  Maybe you have a great one, maybe not.  What matters is the idea of marriage that you are promoting and the idea that women have an obligation to remain in relationships with perpetrators of abuse.

Your sorrow for the fact that I was in an abusive relationship is completely fake if you are at the same time promoting the idea that a marriage with an adulterer or functional alcoholic is "stable".

[/quote]

Thank you, PP.  I am So proud of you for getting out and hope you are safe and happy now. I’m in a marriage that sounds similar to yours, before explicit threats.  He once raised a fist at me in anger; that was two years ago and there has been no other physical threat but lots of [b]unpredictable screaming rages[/b].  [b]In between, he’s lots of people’s ideal husband[/b]: he cooks, he cleans, he does the dishes, he pays attention to the child, he brings me cups of tea while I’m working. [b] It could be quiet for weeks and then BOOM[/b], rage.  All about politics, not something I have done in the relationship.

How did you get the courage to leave?  How did you logistically do it?  And how have you kept your kids safe since then?  It really scares me how angry he will be, forever, when I become the enemy in his mind, and our child a weapon.[/quote]

Please google about the circle of abuse -- you definitely have most components of it.

My relationship with my first abuser was long term -- we were engaged but never married.  I was the foot-dragger.  It was ugly separating from him, but I had a strong financial safety net, and an ace up my sleeve -- he was a lawyer and knew that I knew that if he actually hit me that would be the end of his legal career.

I got engaged a second time years later.  For reasons I don't want to get into, we never married but had kids (again, my choice).  That relationship was very good on the surface, but I found out about cheating and the situation unravelled in a way that was full of emotional abuse --gaslighting, manipulation, massive lies, etc.

All I can say is this:  get a lawyer.  Follow the lawyer's advice on logistics.  Document everything and make sure there are agreements in writing.  I kept my kids safe by breaking up and providing a sane, healthy home for 50% of their life.  This is literally the key thing that helped them grow up normally.  Living with an abuser to "protect" the kids isn't a rational strategy.  Kids learn to accept what they see and live with.  The main reason I ended up in two abusive relationships is that I grew up w/ a verbally abusive parent.  That is literally the reason that mad me willing to walk away with nothing but my kids.  I'm fortunate that I had enough savings and a network of friends and family that I knew I would never be homeless.

I have survived by minimizing contact as much as possible, being pleasant but pretty much grey rocking their dad.  By the time we separated, they were both verbal and over age 5, so old enough to tell me if anything truly dangerous was happening.   [/quote]

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