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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]So letting kids draw their own conclusions about their father is abusive but telling them an abusive man ISNT abusive is healthy?

Nah. [/quote]

No, you don't characterize his behavior towards YOU.  If he behaves badly to the kids, yes you have to step in to sort that out.  But the fact that he was banging someone while you were married and that destroyed their family?  Nope.

Kids need to believe their dad loves them and they can't do that very well if they know their dad thought so little of them as to cheat and leave.  We divorced moms need to help kids feel loved by their dads, not pile on with how horrible his rejection of us is.

When the kid is an adult with a family of my own, trust me, he'll figure out that what dad did sucked royally.  He'll also understand how difficult it is to be married and have kids, which helps explain dad's behavior.  Not justify or excuse, but explain.[/quote]

OMG, you think these people just bang people and come home and act like the greatest person on earth.

No. They are angry, passive aggressive, rude, judgemental, etc... and the kids have to deal with it. The finding out about the affair is like a balloon being popped from too much air... at first it is jarring but once the toxic person is removed from the home... the kids do better.

Kid don't need to BELIEVE their dad loves them... they need a dad that loves them. LOVE is a VERB, not a feeling. When you rob your kids of time, money and energy... that is not love. Kids need to know that. If you act like that behavior is normal they will marry somebody who is toxic like their dad.

His rejection is not of the wife... they reject their kids stability. Do you know how easy it is to just move out and say, this is not working. Nobody is asking somebody to stay in an unhappy situation, but cheating is a toxic response to stress,.... just like alcohol abuse or drug use.

Waiting until they are 22 and looking back... no.. too late. Talk about the elephant in the room, get therapy, learn how to deal with selfish, toxic people now. Kids will be soooo much better off learning to deal with their dad now.

This is what I explain to my kids... life is stressful. You relieve stress with sleep, meditation, good food, working out, spending time with friends and the love and support of your family. You turn in... when you turn out, you are going to self destruct. You don't blame others, drink, do drugs and f random women to relieve stress.

You are making excuses and it's sad. [/quote]

But let’s say dad had decided to be more upstanding and productive in his actions and leave the marriage before he cheated. The end result is still the same. The blow to the kids’ stability is still largely the same. That’s why I don’t understand what telling the kids or being bitter accomplishes, other than trying to “win.” You’re still divorced at the end of the day.  Yes, the extra drama and anguish should have been avoided, absolutely. But ultimately one partner didn’t want to be in the marriage, however they chose to express that, and that is what it is. [/quote]

No it's not the same. study after study after study will show you.. it's very, very different.

A marriage that seeks therapy and ends amicably has a way different outcome that one that just up and blows up the bridge. [/quote]

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