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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]How on earth can we back off on the control when our daughter is starving before our eyes?[/quote]

A starving child should not be participating in a sport.

[quote]She has promised to take ownership of this, and we’ve decided to give it 3 more months of concerted effort to reevaluate our options. [/quote]

You said she was starving.  (Your words. I believe them.)  Do not let a starving child continue to dance ballet while she is struggling to eat enough calories to gain weight and let her bones grow.

[quote]
Her involvement is critical, and has been a missing piece, but even that is complicated. What if she tries her best and still fails to thrive? Does she then feel like a failure? At what point do we take back the reins?[/quote]

Right now. Today.  Pull her from ballet.   She needs help to keep her calories for her body's growth, not for a sport.

[quote]At the same time, DD’s ballet school told me that her body was at risk of injury because she is so thin.[/quote]

Stop the ballet.

[quote]
Then my niece almost died from starvation and I couldn’t let my friends and family tell me I was imagining a problem.[/quote]

There is nothing wrong with you or your instincts.  You are the momma bear.  You see your child not eating enough.  You know what to do.  Follow your instincts.

[quote]DD’s therapist has also urged a hands off approach by me, which has helped her anxiety and improved her appetite some, but not enough. The feeding tube recommendation is at direct odds with this approach of allowing her to control what goes in her body and I fear will undo whatever progress she has made. Due to my lurking fear of an eating disorder down the road, I want to proceed with great caution.[/quote]

So what exactly happens if your child develops an eating disorder?  How would that be any different from what she *already* has?  She already is malnourished (doctors say lack of bone growth is due to lack of calories) and already she can't eat enough calories to fuel herself (gets too full.)     She already has some kind of eating disorder it sounds like.

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