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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here, some good suggestions.  To answer a few questions:

No, she wasn't my first, not even close.  I had lots of experience, she had some too probably similar.  Sex was plentiful early, dropped down to 2-3x a week before kids but still adventerous enough and that frequency is totally fine by me.

Once the newborn came, it died down to 1-2x a month.  I have put up with this for 10+ years because in my mind it was all temporary.  Just the pregnancy/ newborn/ toddler/ elementary school years.  Or she was on birth control, maybe if I got snipped, which I did.  But yet no real uptake.

At the risk of being arrogant, it's not me as I am in shape, successful, conventionally attractive, wear nice clothes to work and all that.  That I get a fair amount of female attention helps sooth the wife's rejection.

I don't feel trapped, I could leave tomorrow but I don't want to shred my family up over this.  I sometimes wonder if women like my wife just assume I will cheat and if they are fine with that, sort of turning a blind eye and keeping up the lifestyle rather than have sex they don't want to have.  Its a dangerous question to ask, but at the same time, she is smart enough to know 2x a month duty sex is pathetic and will make a man's eye wander.

One post upstream asked a good question, whether anyone has actually counselled or talked or ultimatmed their partner back into a healthy sex life.  I am interested as well if that is even possible.

[/quote]

Look, this board is all theory. If you are that curious, then give it a try. I suggest sex therapist (go by yourself if wife won’t go and see if you can get tips) and read a book about women’s sexuality like She Comes First. I suspect from the conversations that you have described that there are other communication issues in the marriage. Sexuality for women is often a big picture thing. If you’re having anger issues or money stress or other things that create tension in the relationship, that will impact your sex life.[/quote]

No, in OP's case, it's clearly a control issue. This has been going on for 10 years.   OP's wife has been using the denial of sex to control his behavior, and it's worked fine (at least from her perspective).  He takes her out on date nights because he thinks he can get sex that way (but it never works).   He even got his tubes tied, not because he really wanted to, but because she lied to him and said her lack of libido was due to taking birth control.  A flat out lie since the sex didn't improve after he "got snipped" and presumably she went off the pill.

OP's wife doesn't really like OP very much.   Just like many of the PPs on this board obviously don't like men very much.

There's no communication issue in the OP's marriage.  OP's wife knows OP wants sex.

The problem isn't lack of communication, it's that OP hasn't imposed any boundaries or consequences in response to the lack of sex.

OP's wife has been given no reason to change, so she won't change.

She is in control of the status quo.

OP fantasizes about divorcing her, about cheating on her, about giving her an ultimatum, but won't do it.  Instead OP thinks there is a book or a therapist or some form of words that he can use to talk her into having sex with him.

He's been trying to do that for 10 years and it hasn't worked.

This has nothing to do with being in the mood or health or seduction or chores or date nights.

It has to do with CONTROL.   Until OP accepts that his wife uses denial of sex to control him, and to control the marriage, change is not possible.

All OP needs to do is sit his wife down and tell her as follows:

"Honey it's been ten years waiting and you still refuse to  have sex with me on anything remotely resembling a satisfactory frequency.  I still love you but can't live this way any longer. Therefore unless there is immediate change on your part, and by that I mean we must have some form of sexual activity at least 3 times per week, I will consider myself at liberty to look outside the marriage, with other people, for sexual gratification."

That's it.

That's all OP needs to say to her.

And then after saying it, he needs to follow through.

Not a threat.

Not an ultimatum.

A statement of fact.[/quote]

Ugh. Start your own thread if you want to unpack your baggage. Writing a novel with OP as your protagonist makes for riveting reading, but it’s not helpful.[/quote]

I'm trying to help the OP.

You're not.

You're trying to make him believe he's at fault for his wife's lack of sexuality.

I would think ten years of little or no sex, ten years of frustration, is novel-worthy.

Women such as yourself have every excuse in the world to justify lack of sex in a marriage.

OP isn't looking for excuses to justify his wife's lack of interest in marital sex.

You do understand that he's already heard plenty of those from the horse's mouth, right?[/quote]

Go write it then. Ten Years of No Sex — sounds like a blockbuster![/quote]

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