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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here, some good suggestions.  To answer a few questions:

No, she wasn't my first, not even close.  I had lots of experience, she had some too probably similar.  Sex was plentiful early, dropped down to 2-3x a week before kids but still adventerous enough and that frequency is totally fine by me.

Once the newborn came, it died down to 1-2x a month.  I have put up with this for 10+ years because in my mind it was all temporary.  Just the pregnancy/ newborn/ toddler/ elementary school years.  Or she was on birth control, maybe if I got snipped, which I did.  But yet no real uptake.

At the risk of being arrogant, it's not me as I am in shape, successful, conventionally attractive, wear nice clothes to work and all that.  That I get a fair amount of female attention helps sooth the wife's rejection.

I don't feel trapped, I could leave tomorrow but I don't want to shred my family up over this.  I sometimes wonder if women like my wife just assume I will cheat and if they are fine with that, sort of turning a blind eye and keeping up the lifestyle rather than have sex they don't want to have.  Its a dangerous question to ask, but at the same time, she is smart enough to know 2x a month duty sex is pathetic and will make a man's eye wander.

One post upstream asked a good question, whether anyone has actually counselled or talked or ultimatmed their partner back into a healthy sex life.  I am interested as well if that is even possible.

[/quote]

Not your first as in you were a virgin.

Your first as in your first long term relationship in which you obtained regular sex from your partner.   You may have had lots of experience in terms of many short term sexual relationships.  Since you were in your early 20s when  you started with your wife, how many long term serious relationships had you been in prior to your wife.

You say she had some too "probably" meaning you don't really know.  Which also means there was no disclosure of prior sexual histories before you got serious with her, or even right up to the present.   So you don't really know what her history  of relationships was either, because you never exchanged that information with her.

Many women slacken on wanting a lot of sex (or any sex, sometimes) when in pregnancy or for a while after giving birth.

But not for ten years.  That has nothing to do with childbirth or pregnancy.

You didn't have to put up with this for 10 years.  You chose to put up with it for ten years.  You're still putting up with it.

It's really all about behavior modification.  For whatever reason, your wife modified your behavior when she modified hers.  She decided less sex--almost no sex, really--would be the new status quo, and you accepted it.

For ten years.

You accepted it for ten years because you were, and are, afraid of your wife.  She dominates your relationship,and probably always has.   Your fears may be justified to the extent you are afraid of divorce and loss of your assets.  Whatever the reason for your fear--you FEAR your wife.

Maybe it's psychological.   Maybe deep down you are afraid you couldn't find another woman to love you.  Who knows.

It's tragic that you actually agreed to a vasectomy because you were so sex-starved you thought you had no alternative.  This amounts to literal physical castration of a sort, as well as emotional castration.

Your wife, far from assuming you are or will cheat on her, KNOWS you will not.  She knows you better than you know yourself.   Or at least she doesn't think you capable of it.    You are fantasizing about it, as anyone would.

You say you don't feel trapped, but it actually sounds like you are trapped, but don't want to admit it.   You reserve to yourself the illusion that you are in control of the situation, that you could leave anytime.

You're not in control of the situation.

You're so not in control of the situation, you are so fearful of your wife,  that you are terrified of demanding sexual fulfillment from your wife.

I am guessing you had a very domineering mother.

[/quote]

I am guessing you don’t get much, which is why you have so much pent up frustration against women/ your domineering mother. Please seek help from a therapist — these posts are very misogynistic. You are projecting a lot of darkness that simply isn’t there. This is all in your head.[/quote]

Right because never getting to have sex with the woman you married (Op's problem) makes every day sunny, fun filled with unicorns and rainbows.

ESPECIALLY when you thought getting your masculinity surgically altered would finally get you sex with your wife, but didn't.

The only misogynist is someone who believes that wives should be told that they shouldn't have regular sex with their husbands.  You must really hate OP's wife, and hence be a misogynist, if you believe she deserves a sexless life.[/quote]

So many misconceptions here. Where do we start. Birth control, interesting topic. Men don’t give birth. A vasectomy is a very simple procedure compared to vaginal or cesarean birth. Many men choose to do an uncomplicated and reversible in-office procedure rather than putting their wife through tying tubes or years of hormonal birth control and its attendant risks (cancer, blood clot, etc.). If you call that tragic I guess you have a lot of trouble reading about what birth is like for women.

Feminism is about each woman’s experience and truth. I couldn’t presume to speak for the OP’s wife, or for the OP. The work of exploring their own lives and feelings is up to them. I hope they can both find more pleasure in the process. Loading it up with someone else’s baggage isn’t going to be very helpful, don’t you think?

Finally, sex isn’t about “getting.” It’s about giving and sharing. This is fundamentally about how their relationship is going, and relationship means give and take — two way street. You can’t really address something so intimate by taking one person’s perspective on it, radically reducing and oversimplifying it, and then telling them to just force an ultimatum on someone else. Sure, toddlers and preschoolers do that, but you’re supposed to grow out of it.[/quote]

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