Reply to DW work is impacting our marriage - looking for advice from the smart people of DCUM

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, (female here) we went through sometime very similar after I went back to work to a very demanding but fulfilling job after six years at home with the kids.  I definitely worked more than DH but made less (but I still made in the mid six figures).  We didn't "need" my income, but it was very important to me in terms of my identity and the kind of role model I wanted to be to my kids (that there were career options for working moms, etc.).  My husband was a bit worried about how it would impact our family but overall was super, super supportive and my biggest cheerleader.   And the job about knocked my socks off in terms of stress, hours, expectations and pace.  I felt overwhelmed but also energized about being valued and "needed" at work and being a real leader in terms of making big decisions, etc.  I will also say that I did a terrible job of setting boundaries early on. I think I was so intent on proving myself and showing that I still "had it" after many years away, that I overdid it and took on too much.

It became a set of very delicate conversations with my husband.  If he came complaining to me that I was "doing" it all wrong (work, family life, attention to him, etc.), I have no doubt that I would have lost it completely - I would have been so, so angry at him for criticizing me and expecting me to do it all right at first, have all the answers, meet *his* needs all the time, etc.  But he did a great job of couching it in terms of real in-depth conversations (how did *I* feel about my job, how *I* was doing, how I felt about my balance, etc.) and in a, "I care about you and want to support you how you want to be supported way."  He also continued his cheerleading and helped me gain confidence that I was rocking my job and could therefore have the 'capital' at work to say no to a few things.  He constantly encouraged me by saying how lucky my firm was to have me there, etc. etc.

These conversations (over a series of months and months) really helped *me* come to the conclusion that I really needed to dial back and make some changes - and I did.  Not because he was being a baby and wanted me around to take care of all the things, but because it felt out of whack to ME and because I felt confident in my job after over investing over a period of time to really establish myself.

I think you definitely need to take the long-game here and make it more about aspriational vision for each of you as a family and for your individual careers vs. 'you work too much and I'm not getting enough sex.'  Oh and on the sex thing, that was less an issue for us as we are believers in planning it so we had standing nights each week (usually twice/ sometimes three times) where we just knew it was happening.  So no worry about rejection or initiation - it just happened because we prioritized it.

Good luck - you sound like a lovely, caring father and husband.
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