Reply to Are you offended when someone says they “didnt want someone else to raise my kids”?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I only say that in response to people who constantly think they’re the only ones who are busy and imply my life is so relaxing compared to theirs because they work.

But also, it’s the truth. I don’t work because I wanted to raise my kids. PhD scientist here so don’t worry about my brain, it’s doing just fine.[/quote]

+2 I say it when rude people look down on me. Attorney that opted to stay home and raise my kids because a nanny would have been with them 12 hours a day. [b]That wasn’t okay with me.[/b] [/quote]

Does it ever occur to you that for other people it also wasn't ok with them but they didn't have a choice?

I'm not that person, my husband and I did what we wanted to do and we are lucky enough to have had a choice, but there are tons of people who also don't think it's ok to have a kid with a nanny (or really more likely in daycare) for 8-12 hours a day but they don't get to choose an alternative.

And I think that's where this bothers me the most. If you want to comment on some UC women's choice to work her cushy, easy, flexible job, then go ahead. She doesn't care and clearly made the choice she wanted to make. But when you say stuff like "I didn't want someone else to raise my kids" to someone who had no choice but to have childcare help, it's disgusting.

I'm not offended by what any SAHM or WOHM says to me because I don't care, but I do think some of you are seriously tone deaf when you talk about staying home like everyone has that choice. And don't go on to me about how you were willing to give up your European vacations in order to raise your kids. That's wildly out of touch and totally inappropriate. [/quote]

What you are missing about the PP is that while she had a choice it was a limited one -- she was in a field where staying in her job meant working looong days and being away from her child every day (and likely travel and weekend work as a lawyer). Probably not that easy to change to a more accommodating role quickly when she had a baby. So she felt like her choices were rather constrained -- quit her job and stay home (and actually get to spend time with her child) or stay in her job and almost never see her child.

She also said she'd only say this to someone who was looking down on her for staying home. Women who leave prestigious careers to stay home frequently get a lot of judgment for "wasting" their education and career on being sahms which is viewed by people in these professions as a very low status role and kind of an embarassment. So you're actually much more likely to get nasty comments about that choice than you might coming from a different industry or community that isn't so status-obsessed.

Within that context the PP's comment makes perfect sense. You are lecturing her about understanding that not everyone has the same [limited and full of trade-offs] choice she had while refusing to actually contemplate what it is like to be the person making the choice the PP made and why her attitude might actually be appropriate in that context.  I don't think the PP is "wildly out of touch" but I think you could stand to do a closer read.[/quote]

She was still lucky enough to be able to stay at home. You're totally missing the point. [/quote]

No YOU are still missing the point.

The PP said she'd only say something like "I didn't want someone else to raise my kids" to someone who looks down on her for being a sahm. She's not just volunteering this to put down wohms or be a B. It's a response to someone who wants to shame her for not staying in her specific job which required her to work long hours and IN HER CASE would have meant spending an unacceptably small amount of time with her child.

She would not say this to someone who hadn't already put her down for being a sahm and therefore the fact that some people couldn't make the same choice she made is irrelevant. Also: no one has the same choices. Everyone's situation is unique. The PP was talking about her unique situation and how she handles it when people judge her for the way she navigates that situation. If the person she's talking to is secretly mad that they don't have the freedom to become a sahm that is still not an excuse for shaming the PP for making a choice that works for her family. You get what you give.[/quote]

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