Reply to What's the worst thing you ever did to an ex, or vice versa?

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Reply to "What's the worst thing you ever did to an ex, or vice versa?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote]I don't see it as sad at all. She stays in her home. Her kids stay in the home. The kids' lives aren't turned upside down by divorce. She gets to continue taking care of her home and her children. If she and her DH were fighting in front of the kids or if there was abuse, it would be different. I think she is making the best decision for her family. I would do exactly the same.

I agree. Look at the alternative: splitting the retirement money, possibly moving with the kids to a smaller place since his income has to provide for two homes, having to get an at least initially low paying job and giving up her ability to be a sahm, living on less money while he's free to marry the ow who will then become part of her kids' lives, not to mention the hardship of all of this on the kids.

Yes, her kids stay in a toxic home where dad has affairs and treats mom like crap, and she looks the other way.

Sounds dreamy.[/quote]

I'm the OP in this thread who posted this morning. I reread my post and particularly my first reply. Yes I did come off quite sharply, sorry. Not enough coffee yet.

It's obviously true I am not 100% happy and there is anger underneath and sometimes on top. But there is no toxic household, except that their dad stopped coming home every night many years ago ("working") and after he admitted the affair, he stopped even the pretense of coming home at all. No demand for divorce, no custody arrangements, he just went on his own way and kept paying for everything in absentia. And I didn't do anything except continue to do what I do.

He's a very astute lawyer and if I tried to fight back in a divorce he would do everything in his power to fight me back - that would be ugly. I don't doubt that for a minute.

I grew up seeing my mom and my mom's friends have their lives upended by their acrimonious divorces, their lives did not improve, they were not any more happy with their "dignity" purchased at a dear price of both cash and chaos and conflicted kids. My life as a child with warring divorced parents was not made better. Nor were their lives imho.

My husband is content (and probably relieved) to look at me as a friend, and yes, I put on a happy face for him ALL THE TIME. The kids are now teens and know about their dad (I mean, he doesn't come home! Of course they know). But I teach them some adverse situations are overcome in different ways. Sometimes it's okay to turn the other cheek when someone does you wrong. Or, don't bite off your nose to spite your face. I could tell my husband at any time how I really feel in a lot of very colorful nasty words, or file and face a bitter divorce battle, but who does that really benefit? No one. Not even me.

So if the best revenge is "living well" - then that's what I feel I am doing, living as "well" as I can under the circumstances I have been presented with, outside of my control.

I was egregiously lied to and deceived. My revenge is that he doesn't realize how I feel about him (or don't feel about him) as I go on my way. If I died tomorrow, he would probably eulogize me as a saint. Or probably not - he'd delegate that to someone else, probably my sister. If he dies tomorrow, there's a lot of life insurance and I am on that paperwork.

PS for the person who asked if I am interested in another relationship in my lifetime, the answer is no, I had stepparents growing up and I would not want the same for my own kids. I'd like to just concentrate on them for the rest of my life. Also, based on my marriage, the honest truth is that I've had years to get used to being on my own.

[/quote]

What's the revenge here?  I don't see how this is responsive to the OP.  Also, you sound like you get comfort from viewing yourself as a martyr.  As an outsider I do think it's sad that you don't seem to think you are worth happiness.  I understand the stability aspect of it and keeping the family together but at what expense?  What do you deserve?  What are you worth?  I am not trying to be mean, I'm just taken by the fact that giving up on finding yourself some happiness is enough for you.  So he gets the happy home and the the girlfriends and you get a house, not to work and the kids in one place.  Don't you want more?[/quote]

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