Reply to Please tell me, 42yo mom of two young kids, the realities of divorce

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here.  thanks for the quick replies.

yes, we had sexual/emotional intimacy the first two years of dating and first year of marriage.  then things got wonky.  H stopped initiating sex.  we went to a sex therapist.  that helped for about a year.  wasn't awesome, but was good enough, and we were still emotionally close.  then stuff happened in life...health challenges, miscarriages, kids.  he retreated about 7 years ago and won't resurface.

to the PP who said she is more at peace with her situation...how did you get that way?  i was tolerating it but i am finally just devastated by the whole situation.  it isn't just no/low sex and cuddling...he does not share himself emotionally either.  i give of myself over and over and often times i am met with crickets.

thanks to the PP who gave her input about the realities of divorce.  how long did you hang in there?  it has been 7 years for me.[/quote]

Wait a minute, it's been 7 years that you've been hanging in there but you have a kindergarten-aged child?  How can that be?[/quote]

What a dumb question.  Are you an idiot?   :roll: [/quote]

Well, it'd either be IVF or it'd be adultery. Now if OP had a baby with another man while she was still married to her husband, don't you think that'd make things a teeny bit different?

I don't really see the need to be defensive about privacy when you're asking the Internet to be a free marriage counselor. [/quote]

I'm the one who asked.  My point was if things started going south 7 years ago, to the point where you were just hanging in there, how do you have a 5-year-old?  An "accident" I could almost understand, but I don't understand going through IVF (BTDT) to create a child with someone with whom you're just hanging in there.   Maybe things weren't that bad 5 years ago?  [/quote]

OP here. Things weren't that bad then. They weren't great but not horrible. And the problems we had I blamed on being new parents and exhausted. I thought eventually we'd find our way out of it. We never did and things snowballed to now.[/quote]

[b]Hey OP. I'm one of the many children of divorce that popped in to say that your kids would be just fine. Still think that but adding an addendum. When you remarry, pick wisely and don't be like these jerks http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/485240.page [/quote][/b]

Can we get away from maxims like "your kids will be fine if you divorce" vs. "your kids will be devastated"

Kids reactions to divorce vary depending on a host of factors, including their tolerance for change and how the divorced parents treat each other, to name examples.   None of us have any clue how OPs children will fare.  All any of us can say is that divorce is sometimes the better of two bad outcomes for children, i.e. it may be better for kids to split custody with two parents who argued and hated each other but are reasonably happy with their new relationships.  As opposed to kids who are affected dramatically, either through their own idiosyncratic mental health or that they had no idea mom was emotionally distant from dad because they parented well together.  Nothing in OPs description of her parenting relationship with her husband suggests her kids are adveresly affected by her lonliness.  My DW doesn't have sex with me as much as I would like, sometimes I feel really lonely.  My kids have no clue.  It's not their issue.

FWIW, my parents divorced.  I am fine, professionally successful, married, kids, etc.  I have almost no relationship with my parents now - their fighting didn't stop after the divorce.

Best of luck OP, and if you do divorce, find a way to get along with you ex at all costs.[/quote]

I am the PP and my parents obviously are divorced also extremely acrimoniously although I have good relationships with both of them. While I agree that it is impossible to know if a child's specific mental state might be particularly incompatible with divorced parents I think the reality is that bad things happen to everyone, you have to deal with it eventually. If your parents are focused on the children making it through the divorce intact than they should be ok. And if they aren't then the kid probably has larger issues with being able to handle upheaval and change and distress that need to be addressed.

I also really disagree that your kids would have no idea if you were lonely all the time and emotionally distant. You should know that yourself. Kids aren't stupid, just because you know how to put on a happy face when you're out with them doesn't mean they don't pick up on things in their own home. That's not saying you should get divorced or anything if its ok with your wife and things aren't really that bad but kids notice, they notice sadness, they notice anger, they notice everything.[/quote]

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