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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, coming from a dysfunctional family with lots of mental issues and jealousy AND with a "buffet" Christmas dinner--you have gotten some good advice from others.

If you still participate in this (and are maybe guilted into this), I would just: 
(1) get the time from MIL 
(2) plan to be there at least 30 minutes earlier than the time. Tell no one, except DH. Make him keep quiet.
(3)bring some additional food (like the ham, etc..)
(4) BOOM, problem solved.

MIL learns you are not reliable (and not going to be suckered in every year like she has done before) and you get to see who is there and when. Just try one year and see what happens. She is trusting you and DH to be dutiful and let her accomplish what she wants to: feeding others and shafting your DH and family. If you are going to continue to do this, play her game but better (and unpredictably.)

I would rather stay home, but realize that may not be possible for you for a host of dsyfunctional DH family reasons.[/quote]

Thank you, you get it.  This is what I was looking for - someone with a dysfunctional family (and someone who admits it!), who understands what I do not.  There are too many posters here with too much time on their hands.  Thank you for the helpful posts, no thank you for the not helpful ones.   Dh is not yet ready to admit how screwed up they are.  I suspect negative attention is better than no attention, in his book.  he seems a bit conditioned, sadly.

What kind of therapy did you look for, to be at peace with this kind of family?  I am at a loss, and appreciate your help.

[/quote]

Hi OP, I am this PP and am glad I can be helpful :) Feel sad that we dysfunctional people seem to be in the minority here, but that is a good thing overall. When I worked at a university my coworkers and I would have a "most dysfunctional Christmas contest" and one year I beat my gay coworker with the fundy Baptist family   :shock:

I was more like your husband, but was motivated to pursue career options and move away from my family--and was shunned by my extended family because of it. I think because I physically moved away from them it was easier to see how they reacted and the depth of the dysfunction. I had therapy in my 20s to help me "separate" from my parents, and the therapist said: "you know your family is not normal, right?" Looks like you are really seeing that in your DH's family.

In middle age I have developed a really bad anxiety problem, which also runs in my family, and had to seek therapy again to deal with the anxiety. I was looking for someone who deals with depression and anxiety, so there are lots of therapists out there. I really didn't realize the problem was still rooted in my family dynamics until I went to therapy for awhile--I thought I was still the problem and needed to change myself to please them.

Before I would assume I did not have a choice and had to do what my family wanted me to do at holidays (or any other time). But even before therapy I would try to laugh at the situations afterwards, like with my coworkers. Now I think about what I really want. If I want to participate I outline a strategy for myself of what I will and will not do. Like, I go earlier than MIL said, stop being "obedient" and polite, just to see what happens and figure out just what is going on.

I really do believe your story: I am from a family where people have always had buffets, mainly because no one originally had a house or tables or enough chairs to fit everyone. And, even though they might now, it's just tradition. Now, my family doesn't run out of food, but there is always an undercurrent of resentment against whoever is on the "outs" with everyone this year or for many years running. People might be told to get there early or late, based on the drama. I feel you OP.

Basically, good luck and try searching the list of therapists at Psychology Today and see what you can find. I know a good person in MoCo, but she is not concentrating on my family as much as she is concentrating on me. It sounds like your husband may need someone like that. I now know I can't change my family and can't will them to be loving, so I look for strategies (like the one I outlined) to keep me sane and just throw a common sense wrench into their carefully laid drama-filled dysfunctional plans. [/quote]

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