Reply to When the kids go to college, I'm out of this loveless and affectionless marriage

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Reply to "When the kids go to college, I'm out of this loveless and affectionless marriage"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]"Planning date nights with no expectation of sex?"

That's the only kind of date night I plan.  I have no reason to have an expectation of sex because sex never happens.  [/quote]

That's cruel. My husband takes me out, I'm having sex with him. [/quote]

Most the time, by the time I get the babysitter taken home (maybe a 15-20 minute process), my wife has changed into frumpy clothes and is asleep. So, I've never really seen the value of the date night advice. [/quote]

This isn't that hard of a problem to solve.  Get a sitter who can drive or who lives near enough to walk.  have you made any effort to do that?  No, I bet she's in charge of that, right, and it never occurred to you. 
And here's another one that might work, and I bet you never tried.  Say to her when you get home BEFORE you drop off the babysitter that you think she looks really beautiful just as she is and she shouldn't change out of that outfit because you plan to make her a special cocktail when you get back from dropping off the sitter.  Tell her in the meantime, do nothing -- no dishes -- except just relax.  And kiss her.  In other words, treat her like a human being who you actually like, and she might start to act like a person who thinks of herself that way too.[/quote]

Christ on a crutch. Just more hoops to jump through. I've been a good dad. I've pulled my weight at home. I have been a good provider.  I'm in shape. I cleaned up.  I've gotten a babysitter. I've taken my wife on a nice date. I'm taking the babysitter home. But this is not enough for her to want to have sex with me. This is not enough to make her excited enough by my presence that she can be bothered to hold out another 20 minutes.

But, all hope is not lost you tell me! Maybe if I just got another babysitter, that would make my wife want to jump me. Maybe if I told her to stay in her clothes so I could get her another drink and kissed her and told her she looks really beautiful again and talked to her some more like a person (because I've done all these things sincerely and happily while on the date) -- *now* it's going to work! This is what will get her all hot & bothered. And, if that doesn't work, I'm sure we can move the goal posts yet some more.

And even if we pile up the requirements high enough, and each one is met, and it's finally enough to get her interested in sex with me -- is that even sustainable in the long term? Let's say I'd like to have sex like once or twice a week. And I want her to *want* to have sex with me. With that level of effort required to get her interested, is it even sustainable week after week, month after month, while still holding down a job, taking care of the house, managing the kids, etc.?[/quote]

You are venting, I get it.  You know this is not constructive, though.  I feel like you are still reluctant to confront your DW though.  I would recommend that, in a calm and pleasant tone, you tell your DW that the current state of sexuality/physical affection is so bad for you that you are contemplating divorce, that you don't want to do that, and that you are willing to consider counseling or whatever might improve the situation.  If she is willing to work with you, do your best.   If not, pull the trigger now.  Life is too short.  But you owe it to her and you to be completely explicit about where you are, and let the chips fall where they will.  You don't have to live this way, but you do owe her a crystal clear warning and a chance to do the right thing.  [/quote]

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