Reply to Should single women over 35 settle if they want children?

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[quote=Anonymous]Settling is an interesting concept.

I am in my 40s and have a few friends who are my age who are childless not by choice and/or not partnered. These are not weird or loser women by any stretch. I think what happened with all of them is that they refused to settle, and their definition of settle meant NO compromise, NO bending on their lists, NO ability to get past the "what will my friends and family think about him making only 90K/being 5'7''/having a slight lisp/being chubby/coming from a very different background/etc..." so they just kept at it until one day they woke up and there weren't as many dates available or they were in peri-menopause or there was a pandemic lockdown and the market just shifted for them and doors closed on the fairytale path. Some have found partners that they absolutely did settle for later in life, and now they have perspective that we ALL settle and wish they'd done this sooner. Most men who are happy settle too.

Re: settling I am not talking about finding someone you can simply tolerate and aren't attracted to or don't like and gritting your teeth. I'm talking about maturing to a point where you want to engage in the give and take and ups and downs and maybe become OK with not being rich or telling someone they have bad breath sometimes or moving to another city or accepting that if he's perfect except for the fact that's he's only 5'9'' and not 6'4'' guess what HE IS PERFECT.

I think the desire for perfection goes hand in hand with a lot of high achieving women who are pretty, self-sufficient, keep up well, are smart, all of that...they just can't soften in their relationships.

So yes, I'd say settle because that's kind of how life works. Don't give up your values or yourself, but be humble enough to know that waiting for perfection or an effortless love or a fireworks isn't a real thing for 99.9% of people.

I'd also say don't tell people to go to a sperm bank. Most women in their 30s and 40s and 50s know pretty well what it looks like to raise a kid via watching others do it, and this is information enough to discourage them from taking this very hard road, which is very different than partnered parenting or co-parenting. It's not a substitute to consider equally. [/quote]

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