Reply to Obgyn pushy about hurrying to conceive at 39 .. I thought this was not an uncommon conception age?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I went for my yearly visit and she was very frank about it needing to happen soon. She apologized for being pushy but said the chances of chromosomal abnormalities hits very hard at 40 and the curve goes up and up and up.

I was shocked or surprised given how many women I see online having children at 45+ in recent years. These being healthy children as well.

[/quote]

You’re 39 and you have to be told this?[/quote]

You need to understand that many women believe what social media tells them and cannot discern truth from reality.  I'm not criticizing, but I don't shy away from the harsh truth either.  [b]We do a horrible job of educating our daughters.[/b] [/quote]

One of the saddest/most infuriating fertility stories I ever heard was from a friend's coworker - she married in late 20s, waited a few years to start trying, was having irregular periods, finally saw the fertility doctor. Found out she was in really early menopause. Told her mother - mom says, oh, yes, I went into menopause in my early 30s. THIS IS INFORMATION A YOUNG WOMAN NEEDS TO KNOW EARLY.

That's extreme. But, just generally, women need straight talk about the declines in fertility after 35.[/quote]

I (a woman in my 30s) have always had a touchy relationship with my mother re: body stuff and fertility, partly because I had an eating disorder as a teen growing up in a very fatphobic household and also because she started pressuring me for a baby/grandchild when I was in my 20s. For years I simply would not engage with her on these topics at all to protect my own peace.

However!! I realized a few years ago that I was just totally missing critical health-related info - your mother’s fertility and hormonal history is just as important as her cancer history. It is not predictive, of course, but it’s useful info.

I literally made a script and sat down and asked her:

-did you have issues becoming pregnant?
-how were your births? Postpartum depression? What helped?
-when did you first have menopause symptoms? What were they? What helped?

My family is neurodivergent and has lots of other issues, so stuff like this needs to be spelled out very explicitly. Not easy to calmly broach the subjects but highly worth it. Of course it did devolve at times into her saying  “I had three miscarriages and you’re already too old to get pregnant!” But at this point I can detach better from her anxiety while also recognizing the realities of my own timelines. It also gave me a clearer perspective on the origins of her anxieties - three miscarriages must have been heartbreaking.

If you are an older woman, please please consider delivering the above info to your adult daughters in a calm, nonjudgmental way (“I’m not pushing you to have a baby right now; but, here’s my info in case you want to know”) just so they are aware. It would be a gift.[/quote]

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