Reply to S/O: ‘The DIL is in the busiest chapter of her life; you have nothing to do’

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Reply to "S/O: ‘The DIL is in the busiest chapter of her life; you have nothing to do’"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is such a great thread. Thank you for posting it OP.

Ok, both my kids are in college now so there is probably many years ahead still until they hopefully settle down and have kids. But everyone here has got me thinking. What would the ideal relationship between ILs/parents and their adult children with families be or involve? I can think of some things but I'm sure I am missing many others:

1. the obvious things like not putting extra pressure on DIL/Son-in-law/adult children to visit us, host me, call, etc. etc.
2. if living in close proximity, offer to babysit and as grandkids grow older offer to have them come for sleepovers
3. again, if living close enough, offer to help with any carpooling
4. if not living in close proximity, offer to take grandkids for a week+ over the summer; again, help with babysitting

In a different vein, I can see the following should also be on this list:
5. remember how hard it really is to raise young kids, balance work and home life and all the things that all of that involves
6. really try to not have unfair expectations of your DIL/Son-in-law/adult children expecting them to fit us in to their busy schedules just because we "are here!"; instead the goal is to add value to their lives when we visit
7. remember that as much as we all love one another remember that on a day-to-day basis, parents to grown adults with families are just not as relevant anymore and that that is okay - it is just the cycle of life

What else?[/quote]

Advice/ observations from a mother of sons, MIL and grandmother.

For better or worse, you've had your turn raising children. Your children deserve their turn without your micromanaging.

Please let go of any and all expectations. Let your adult offspring know you'll always offer help and support to the extent of your abilities. But wait for them to ask! Don't intrude. Let them call you, and thank them for the call. Ask them what they want to do for holidays and vacations and be happy with whatever they propose. That doesn't mean you can't decide you're having Thanksgiving at your house this year (for whatever reason) but don't guilt them if they don't come.

Follow their house rules when you visit. Tell them they are wonderful parents. Tell them their children are perfect. Yes, we all know this is a polite fiction but your job is to praise and be supportive unless asked for advice. If DIL asks for advice, pause thoughtfully, and ask what her mother thinks before you say another word. If DIL tells you she doesn't know how on earth you did  it all, tell her you had lots and lots of help. You didn't do it on your own. She's the best mother you know.

Don't show up at the hospital for births unless invited. Say you're very excited to visit or to help out whenever they're ready, but wait for that call. When they do call...go asap.  Have no opinion on breast vs bottle other than baby looks perfect so obviously being fed correctly.

Don't be competitive or jealous with the other grandparents.

I could go on all day... nice break from wordle. And of course all this advice is for normal kinds of circumstances.
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I think most of this is lovely and you sound like a very pleasant person but just don't like or overdo it. Telling people their kids are perfect and that they are the best parents sound incredibly insincere and like you are trying to just kiss-up or even manipulative, though I know you are just trying to ingratiate yourself. Even you admitted it's lying. Better to show you genuinely see the good and just note specific situations where you were impressed. Don't say the kids are "perfect" because it's hyperbole and disingenuous but do show you notice specific strengths. I have a mother who alienates everyone she gets close to with harsh criticism (as opposed to constructive) and downright mean comments and insults, but when she is trying to get something she goers the opposite extreme and gives tones of phony praise she doesn't believe. What feels good when connecting with someone is genuine behavior. Don't be sycophantic.[/quote]

My off the cuff post is really not worthy of any 
, but since I'm done with today's worlds and crossword, here goes.

In my social bubble, its not uncommon to tell the bride, she's the most beautiful bride you've ever seen.  Is this true? Probably not. Does she think its true? No idea. Is anyone saying this in front of another women who recently got married? Absolutely not.

Clearly this sort of hyperbole doesn't go over well with some. Maybe the majority? I'm old, do it all the time, perhaps I shouldn't. To be honest it would take a pretty big adjustment but I've managed to quit randomly hugging everybody when conversations about body autonomy became mainstream, so there's hope. When I made a serious effort to tone down my extrovert tendencies a while back, two very worried friends reached out privately wondering if I was ill.

Every relationship is unique, so what works for one MIL/DIL may not for anyone else.  Just like when you may have to parent each of your children in a different manner, while trying your best to make it all seem absolutely even handed. Because while fairness is important needs are often different.

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