Reply to Are there things people can say or do that you can’t really come back from, even with an apology?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think it’s fine for you to decide you don’t want the person around bc that specific comment (even if trivial to some) is a trust breaker for you.

I had a friend for years I was very close to, we’d gone on family trips together, been there for milestones. She had a big personality and would often say little things I’d brush off as just her being unfiltered. Then one time, very casually and laughing, she made [b]a really mean comment about my dh [/b]out of the blue and laughing. That was it for me and I distanced myself.[/quote]

What did she say about him?

If someone said they thought my husband was ugly I'd shrug it off. I think he's quite good looking and that's all that matters. If they said he was stupid, I'd think they were crazy because he's not. Now, if they said they thought he was an abuser or something, that's a different ballgame. [/quote]

DP. I would personally not want to be friends with someone who thought it was funny to call my husband ugly or stupid, even if I knew those things were not true. Those aren't funny jokes. It's not that I'd be worried that it was true, it's that it's just a rude, weird thing to say. Either they actually think those things, in which case I don't want to be around someone who thinks so poorly of someone I love, or they think it's fun to insult people for no reason, in which case they just have a bad sense of humor and a bad personality. Either way, no thank you.[/quote]

I'm PP. I agree with you, I wouldn't think it was funny. I guess I was saying someone might find my husband ugly (I certainly don't find all of my friends' spouses to be attractive!). If that person told someone else how they felt, I don't think I'd be particularly upset about it. They have the right to their opinion. Now, why they would bother saying that is a different situation. (I would never think to tell someone I thought someone else's husband was ugly, what purpose would that serve?).

I guess I just disagree with your statement that I wouldn't want to be around someone who thinks so poorly of someone I love when that thing is subjective. I think my best friend's husband is disgustingly overweight and unattractive. I've never said that to anyone and it doesn't matter what I think about him. But it doesn't affect our 35-year friendship at all. Why do you have to find someone's spouse attractive or smart in order to be friends with them?

I do agree with you that I'm not sure I'd want to be friends with someone who would say those things, but also, people are entitled to their opinions. If you think my husband is ugly, ok. I can't imagine a situation in which that would come up, but if it did, you're entitled to your opinion.[/quote]

The PP said that her friend said the unkind thing about her DH directly to her, while laughing. Not behind her back. That would be unacceptable to me.

Also I actually bet that the fact that you find your best friend's husband to be "disgustingly overweight and unattractive" does impact your friendship even though you've never expressed it. It's very hard for people to fully conceal disgust and if you've known these people a long time, I bet the husband and likely your friend know you are disgusted by him, and it impacts how they feel about you. You just cannot hide stuff like that longterm.[/quote]

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