Reply to Accomplished woman trying to date after a long marriage - men are drawn primarily to my caregiving abilities

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Most men want a soft woman. Fit, feminine, friendly. Cooperative instead of competitive at home. They don't want a spreadsheet with arms and legs barking orders off the clock. They want a warm human being with empathy and kindness who can put her work away. A good man really doesn't care about your money, because it isn't his money. He knows that his money would be your money but your money wouldn't be his mone in a marriage. So when you talk about your money, it means absolutely nothing to him. He views your career as an impediment to spending real time together, not as a positive selling point.[/quote]

This is so transactional.  It’s all about the man, and wanting her to provide emotional labor without any obligation to reciprocate.  She must be feminine, soft, caring, agreeable, and orbit around him.  There’s nothing about him caring for her, or being interested in her as a person.  Nothing about being curious about her inner life, what makes her tick, and how she spends her days, which for many women is their career.  She’s only there to make him feel good and build him up.

And that’s the crux of the issue OP raised.  Society expects men to put career first and women to put men (and children) first. Who’s putting women first?

OP’s career isn’t a liability.  On the contrary, it serves as a filter to screen out men who want her to make herself smaller so they can feel bigger.[/quote]

OP here. PP, thank you for your insightful post. I agree, it should not be too much to ask of my partner to be interested in what makes me tick, beyond the comfort and companionship that I can and am willing to provide him.[/quote]

It's fine that you're defining yourself by your professional accomplishments. It's a very DC thing to do. But what you don't appear to be hearing is other people generally don't care or are not impressed. Ironically, these are not the things that make you an interesting person. They're just your job. [/quote]

What you’re not hearing is that many/most in DC actually do care - and I don’t care what kind of job you have, work is a huge part of life. So yes I expect to hear about it. [/quote]

I mean, you do you. But, no. Most people don't care about what someone else does for work. [/quote]
DP. Who do you know who doesn't care what someone they're dating does for work? Their financial situation and career, or lack thereof, will affect you tremendously if you end up in a relationship with them. What are you even accomplishing by lying about this?[/quote]

So someone's financial situation and someone's career are two very, very different things. The career is irrelevant as long as it's legal and not a total ethical mismatch (so, not an NRA lobbyist).

But financial behaviors? Like being in debt, reckless with money, controlling with money, a codependent always bailing out the failure to launch adult kid's credit card, a lifelong trust funder who never developed any true work ethic or sense of philanthropy -- these are important things to know about someone you're seriously involved with, even if you never marry or share money. Btw, I'm describing a few real-life guys who on the outside have an UMC/UC careers on paper that some of you gals dream about for your kids. Hard pass. [/quote]

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