Reply to 19 year gap - Will everything be okay?

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[quote=Anonymous]Yeah, no way. I definitely would not do this.

It seems like you haven't really thought through the parenting. You are signing up to be a stepmother. You will be stepmother to his children. That means that if anything bad happens to their other parent, or if they just decide they want to, they'll be living with you full-time. Teenagers can be really, really difficult. And they can be really, really expensive. People say "Little kids, little problems-- big kids, big problems" and it's absolutely true. Mental health, eating disorders, drugs, trouble with the law, trouble with boyfriends/girlfriends, any number of things can seriously derail a teenager and cause a huge stress on the whole family. And you'll be dealing with his ex quite a bit more than you thought.

Your kids will be #3 and #4. You won't have the first-time parents experience-- and he'll think he knows better than you about all kinds of parenting things, even if his opinions are out of date. Third and fourth children in a family don't get as much attention. They spend their weekends at high school soccer tournaments. They tag along on college visits. If this makes you say "Yay, I would love for my kids to be #s 3 and 4 in a big family", then great. But go in with eyes wide open.

The older kids will go to college, and they'll probably be pretty low-maintenance for a while. But then there will be graduations, moves, engagements, first house, wedding, first grandchild, second grandchild-- and they'll be wanting their father's time and attention (and maybe money). They might want to move back in with their dad, it's more common now than you think. They'll want him to play the doting grandpa and come to their games and piano recitals and everything, even as you're expecting him to be a very engaged father to your kids as they become busy tweens and teens. And that's the best-case scenario! If anything actually bad happens-- any medical crisis, any serious trouble with the grandkids, whatever, they'll want their father's support. Really, really think whether this is something you envision for yourself.

And after all of that, he'll be old and you'll care for him, and then he'll be too old to care for you.[/quote]

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