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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous] It's a mentality shift. She has an expectation that he "should" do something. Do more, get involved, read the emails, whatever it is. There's the task that needs doing (making sure the kids have what they need) and the expectation about who "should" do it. The first part isn't gonna move much. If you want school pictures, you need to buy them and there's usually a deadline (there's flexibility here, and it's not a world-ender either way, but that's the example you used so let's go with it). If she wants school pictures, she can buy them, dress the kid how she might like, and enjoy the fact that she has the resources to do so. Or, she can stew about how she 'had' to do it, and he 'should've' helped.

[b]Expectations are premeditated resentments.[/b]

The overwhelming majority of this strife is internal. We hold some belief that we "shouldn't have to" shoulder the mental load. You can just as easily shift that to gratitude for being able to shoulder the mental load. It's the same mental load either way, but you do get to choose how you feel about it. If you want to feel resentful, keep telling yourself a person you don't control should do things differently. If you want to feel proud and grateful, congratulate yourself for doing the work.

If it's things that need to get done, reframe how you see them. But also? A lot of the stuff we "need" (e.g. wrapping Christmas presents), we really don't. We use the same "should" to force labor onto ourselves that, realistically, nobody asked for and most could probably go without. And then, if/when you drop the holiday whatever that was important to your spouse, well, there's an invitation for him to pick it up. "Thanks for letting me know it's important to you to have a 4-course Christmas meal. Are you thinking about making one, or would a suggestion for catering/pick up be more helpful?"

There's a sort of pervasive USian whining culture, pride in be busy to the point of exhaustion. It creeps in and we start to believe it. The reality is that most of us are no busier than we choose to be, and not taking responsibility for our choices. Controlling other people and their behavior isn't a choice we get to make, and we can choose to control our own actions, attitudes, and energy expenditures. Resentments are a warning that boundaries have been crossed. If we're honest, it's usually us having crossed them ourselves, doing/giving more than we can reasonably do/give while staying in balance.

And there's always the final vibe check: Would I be doing this as a single parent? If yes, then you're probably doing it because you care about it for yourself and/or your kid (i.e. it matters to you). Change your attitude about it. If no, you might be doing it because someone else expects it of you, or you think they do (i.e. this is how it was when you were growing up, your spouse likes it this way, you feel obligated to do this non-essential thing for someone beyond yourself that isn't your kid). Change your behavior about it.[/quote]

+1[/quote]

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