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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You might consider a birth center birth. You’re given a lot more control over some of the decisions about clothing, what you do in labor, etc. I didn’t have one myself, I gave birth in a hospital, but I felt much more control during my second birth and it was a better experience. I know I’m probably weird but I preferred my non-epi experience to having the epidural, the epidural made me feel like a patient.

I felt a lot of awe about birth. I hope you can feel some of that.[/quote]

I am one of the people who felt humiliated, and this is what I'd do if I had another baby (I'm not going to, but it's what I'd do). Here is what I'd change and I think it would make a difference:

1) I would pay more attention to the culture of the L&D ward or birth center. I gave birth at a teaching hospital (GW, not the midwives). I really, really liked my OB and I had a good experience at my doctor's office during pregnancy. But I HATED having med students in the delivery room. Part of it was the timing of when I gave birth (late July, med students start internships in July so I got total newbies). The rest of the staff does a good job and my L&D nurse was an amazing human I will be grateful to for the rest of my life, but if I could go back and not have a couple baby doctors wandering around my delivery room, I would.

2) I would hire a doula. The main reason I didn't was that the two I met with, I just did not gel with at all and I didn't want to have someone there whose personality was going to grate or who seemed to have different goals than I did. I should have tried harder, I would make this a priority. I only had my husband who normally is a comfort, and he was a comfort, but he was scared and uncomfortable and had no idea what to do. He did a great job getting me ice chips and was very helpful after our DC was born, but during labor he was in way over his head and I needed someone else there. I would not want my mom there and don't have a friend or sister I would want either, so doula was the way to go for me and I should have committed to it.

3) Listen to music or an audio book during labor, instead of scrolling my phone. Again, this was partly a timing thing -- my labor happened during a very politically tumultuous moment in the US. I had a long labor plus the ward was super busy, so we just had a lot of downtime. I couldn't read, I didn't feel like watching television, I wound up just scrolling my phone or talking to my husband. It was not good vibes. I was also texting a bit with some friends and family which was okay but still not relaxing. If I did it again, I'd bring a good playlist and a really engaging audiobook (my choice would be the Lord of the Rings narrated by Andy Circus). Something that might actually distract me without making my mind feel tense and chaotic.

None of this helps the fact that you are naked in stirrups with total strangers trying to give birth and pooping on the table. But I think these changes would have helped me feel less *humiliated* and unsupported.

Also after it was all over, my husband would refer to the experience as "gross" or "disgusting" until I read him the riot act and explained how incredibly disrespectful and upsetting that was for me. He stopped. Men, if you are reading this: if your wife is giving birth or has given birth, that experience is impressive and awesome. It is not "gross." You don't get to complain about how gross it is or how you were grossed out by your wife's body going through something that would KILL YOU if it happened to you, and as a result you get to be a father, one of the single most meaningful and special relationships of a person's life. Only talk about it with admiring and supportive words. If you think it's gross or disgusting, you go get yourself a f***ing therapist and you work out those feelings in private with that person. Your wife doesn't want to hear it. Shut up.[/quote]

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