Reply to Should I divorce my high functioning alcoholic husband?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I’m on the other side of this, OP.  Finally divorced and much happier, and kids are doing well.  He has 40% time with them, breathalyzer and intoxilock in his car, and lots of other safety protections, and the youngest was 8 when we divorced so old enough to not cause himself harm if dad passed out on couch or whatever.  I didnt read all the responses, but here are a few thoughts:

1. yes it will get worse.  
2.  he’s fighting you because he isn’t ready to admit he’s an addict and seek help.  very typical.  he has to hit rock bottom and decide to want to change to even have a chance.  Do you know, if you actually packed up to leave, or served him with papers?  would that be enough to get him to go to rehab?  Not just AA - rehab.  Someone mentioned Kolmac - that and other programs locally (see also Verve) have what’s called an Intensive Outpatient program (IOP) which recent studies show is more effective than residential (because they recover IN their community, surrounded by their regular stressors).  It is a night program so they can keep working, which is a big plus for functional alcoholics because they generally do not want to admit to everyone they have a problem.  
3.  even if he admits a problem and tries to get help, it’s very hard.  My ex has been to rehab 4 times.  i have no confidence he will actually stay sober - i suspect he’ll drink himself to death.  the best I can do is make sure he doesn’t drive drunk and take someone else with him.
4.  the legal protections I have are very hard to get if there’s no legal evidence of drinking (DUI, domestic violence calls, etc).  The court is not going to give you custody based on your claim or evidence (photos/videos wahtever) that he’s an alcoholic.  
5.  I got them by negotiating with him.  I gave up other things in return.  I had excellent legal advice.  There are lawyers in this area who specialize in these types of situations.  See one or more of them, not just any divorce lawyer.  
6.  It has been a long road but I’m so much happier on the other side.  my kids spend time with him, and he’s mostly a good dad (the stuff you describe - he goes to their games and plays, is generally present) but they also know he has this problem, have seen him relapse and go back to rehab, and they know its precarious.  I help them through it, and honestly I’m much more able to do it now that I’m not dealing with his gaslighting on a regular basis. It did my psyche so much harm - it is 100% like being cheated on, when you sense they are lying and start searching the house for bottles in the middle of the night. It took a long time to find myself again.

good luck. [/quote]

Not OP but how do you find such a lawyer. I have pretty solid evidence of alcoholism and am probably approaching a custody battle, though in my dream world my spouse would just. go. get. help.

Also information on the studies showing IOP is better than residential would be great.[/quote]

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