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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don't think lack of guidance is what people here think it is.
Did they want you to have good grades? To have activities? Did they want you to apply to college? Did they listen when a friend upset you?
Every time they put food on the table they offered one sort of a guidance. When they drove you to school, guidance was there. Plus, let's all remember that when we are teens, we do not want to hear anything at all.
I don't remember my parents saying, you have to go to college, it was always understood, and clearly understood.[/quote]

No you don't get it.

Parents put food on the table but it was often unhealthy or undernourishing. No they did not drive me to school. When I was a teen they wanted me to stay home and do my chores and resented that I had friends or activities that took me away from chores. They expected good grades but there was zero support in getting them. They definitely didn't listen when a friend upset me. When I applied to college I did so on my own and when I asked them to fill out paperwork or provide info I needed for applications or financial aid they would not provide it.

You probably went through a phase of not appreciating or even resenting your parents as a teen or even in your 20s and now you think when other people say negative things about their parents they are just in that ungrateful phase you went through. You don't understand that a 40 year old saying "I did not receive the fundamental guidance or nurturing I needed from my parents" is very different from a 15 year old who is annoyed about a curfew or mad that they are being asked to clean their room. Those of us talking on this thread are older and often didn't understand what we were missing at the time -- we didn't complain about this stuff when we were younger because we didn't even know it was lacking. It is only being in the world that we have realized what was missing and how much it harmed us not to have it. We though "well I wasn't hungry so my parents didn't neglect me" but then later realized that a diet of doritos and soda and grilled cheese with Kraft slices before sending us to watch TV until bed was maybe not that good for us. Good parenting is about more than just ensuring your kids don't technically starve.[/quote]

Same. Though I *did* understand what we were missing at the time. On top of the dysfunction, growing up with shame is a heavy burden.[/quote]

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