Reply to Having Kids Is Overrated and Most People Have No Idea Until It’s Way Too Late

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. Thanks for the responses, everyone. I’m kind of shocked the discussion remained pretty civil! As for the person who said I might be depressed, well, that is probably true. I’m perimenopausal and about to be an empty nester with aging parents. So that feels about right…but half the women my age are in the same boat! It’s kind of hard to know how much is circumstance and how much is hormonal.

We can keep the discussion going but I think I’ve said all I had to say. It feels good to know that some people can relate. I’m pretty sure that even the most positive among you have had days when these kinds of thoughts have entered your mind.

I think ultimately, like someone said, hindsight is 20/20 so you don’t really know. And you don’t know what the future brings.

I’d really like to be a mom who could step back and not feel so involved and personally invested in my kid. It probably is healthier, and I would probably be in a less frustrated and anxious place right now if I could. But I was just never that kind of parent. But I’m trying to think of how to let go without feeling resentful and how to stop trying to solve my kid’s problems…basically how to be ok with them being gone, even knowing they may never be that loving little kid again (obviously not little but showing the love the way they used to).

My own mom always says she wouldn’t tolerate disrespect from her kids and would cut them off, and she has done that to me a few times. It’s a loving but very fraught relationship. But I could never bear it if my kid cut me out of their life, so I need to get ok with them just being how they are even if it’s not the relationship I imagined it would be.

I think it’s that kind of stuff that makes me look back and say….god…was it worth it? It is, of course, navel gazing, but that’s why I’m here blathering about it!

Have a good day! I’ll be NOT nagging my kid about packing up their clothes for college. [/quote]

OP what you say about your own mom here is revealing. That’s a very painful thing to endure from a parent, in my opinion, and it may understandably have influenced your feelings around the parent-child relationship, in particular that it is fragile, conditional, and potentially hurtful. I don’t know if you are open to therapy but I think exploring that more might really be helpful in understanding your relationship with your own child, especially as they enter adulthood.

I have two children I love dearly but I worry a lot about my oldest and he is only 11. Some children are harder to raise than others, even though most grow up to be just fine (that’s my perspective as a veteran teacher from a family of veteran teachers). But we like to pretend this isn’t the case, or that it’s just a question of parenting. It really isn’t.

Either way you sound like a loving and wonderful parent. Hugs. And oh yeah… Perimenopause sucks! [/quote]

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