Reply to How "bad" is our dinner routine- parents eating separate from kids?

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[quote=Anonymous]We ate dinner together nightly, on the earlier side, from the time they were little. The kids learned to talk about their days aloud and they learned to listen.  These are skills to be taught and modeled. Later the three kids were in high school and junior high at the same time and sometimes had a rough day at school or sports. At dinner they often would share what had happened. Their siblings would listen and jump in with some pretty good, often wise, and largely empathetic responses and reactions and solutions. The siblings often knew the teacher or the student or coach who had been involved in the situation their sibling was describing. I think they came away from dinner feeling heard, with less of a need to carry the situation from the day into their evening, and often with some good perspectives. I also would check in with them later, but usually the dinner conversation really helped more than my one-to-one check-ins (I still checked in with them individually because sometimes they had personal or private things they wanted to discuss and didn’t want the whole family to hear). But there is no way at all that this type of family conversation would have happened when they were teens at the dinner table if we hadn’t started family dinners, with conversation about everyone’s day, when they were younger.

The second thing I’ll say about family dinner, and perhaps unrelated, is that learning to eat “family style” at a table involves specific manners that are taught through practice: learning to ask for something to be passed to you, then to take a little from a serving dish, and pass it along. To wait your turn. Not to reach for things, etc. 
Not all meals need to be served this way, but it can help to have at least some of them served like this so that kids learn what to do. So, some nights at a family dinner, do not plate everything individually for everyone before the meal starts. Put empty plates at the place settings and put the food in serving dishes in the center, and teach them how to pass the serving dishes etc. Teach them to wait their turns, how to ask if there is enough for everyone to have seconds before serving oneself seconds, how to ask for condiments and salt/pepper to be passed, to thank the cook, to offer to clear the dishes from the table after the meal, etc. These are tiny little skills, and maybe don’t matter much, and maybe they are obvious. But they can’t be learned if kids always eat from plates that have been prepared just for them before the meal and put in front of them, or if the family always eats at separate times and they are eating solo (even if someone is sitting with them to talk to them).

This is just my two cents from someone who is older and I probably shouldn’t weigh in on these topics as times have changed and there may be more updated ways to do things. Also what is considered common knowledge or “good” manners changes over time. So ignore this post if this is the case. [/quote]

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