Reply to NYT Article on Open Marriage

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Look at how the Sister Wives reality show played out to see how true long term polyamory works. The husband and his first three wives claimed they had a happy and equitable partnership. Once the husband found his fourth wife, he fell madly in love with her and said she was his 'person'. He moved in with her exclusively and tried to legally divorce a different wife so wife 4 could be the legal wife. The other 3 wives had to work, while wife 4 didn't. Once he found someone he truly bonded to, the other relationships were neglected to the point that wives 1-3 all eventually left him. He's still with wife 4 and has no plans to seek another woman. When it comes to relationships, I truly believe humans can only emotionally bond with one person at a time. 
[/quote]

This is why so many poly people have a "primary". All the poly people I know are married with children and their spouse is their partner. They just see other people. Now, they might care about and respect those other people, but they are lower priorities, quite literally called "secondaries". There will always be a hierarchy. For types like this, I guess polyamory fulfills the need for variety but also gives them the stability of having a life partner. [/quote]

Secondaries complain. Or even if they're not actually complaining, they're voicing their feelings.

Just because there's a hierarchy that at one point in time is agreed upon by those involved means it's sustainably smooth sailing. [/quote]

+1, I have known a number of poly couples over almost two decades. There are phases of these relationships that look very stable and if you take a snapshot during one of those phases, it's easy to say "oh yeah, they've figured out marriage and solved the problems inherent in monogamy." But a snapshot is not a marriage.

All but one of the polyamorous couples I know divorced, and the one who is not divorced closed their marriage. I have also known many of their "secondaries" and one HUGE problem with polyamory is the way it often treats secondaries as semi-people, without making much room for them to want more from life or their relationship, to change over time, or to have normal human emotions like jealousy, loneliness, or insecurity. I think a lot of poly couples treat secondaries like manic pixie dream girls (or boys) -- these mythical people whose needs and egos will always be second to those of the primary couple.

Polyamory as a longterm relationship choice strikes me as immature, selfish, and often exploitative of the other people who are brought into the relationship. I have never seen it function over the long term in a way that makes it look remotely appealing. Best case scenario, it's a phase some people go through during a rough patch in their marriage (which often coincides with a rough patch in their lives generally -- people get restless and unhappy for all kinds of reasons that don't have much to do with their sex lives), they learn something from it, and then they move on.[/quote]

I dunno, what you described to me just sounds like the affair phase that a lot of marriages go through, but much better? At least honest and communicated about? Marriages are long with a lot of phases. Affairs are extremely common. I don’t really want an open marriage but if my DH needs a girlfriend phase, I would rather do it openly than with deception whether we still end up divorced or not. If he did it secretly I feel like we’d HAVE to get divorced. If he came and asked me for it I don’t know where the conversation or the marriage would end up but I certainly prefer the unknown on this front. [/quote]

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