Reply to DW doesn’t understand how a sexless marriage effects me

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Having someone not want to have sex with you is one thing but I get the feeling that OP is missing all the other stuff just as much.  Having someone who wants to kiss you with more than a peck, missing someone who wants to feel your skin at night, missing someone that used to rest their head on your chest when you watched TV, where did that chick go that used to dance around me when I washed dishes? 
Buddy I was in your position and in a fairly short amount of time I have turn things around.  
Oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin are severely lacking in your relationship and your wife is likely overloaded with cortisol from the neediness that you are blasting at her all day long. Your job is to find out which one of the above chemicals your wife thrives on, if she’s serotonin then you take her on adventures, if she’s oxytocin you become nothing but a world of love and support without ever asking for anything in return, if she’s dopamine you’re going to want to take her ask throwing or perhaps to the gym with you.  Agreed about which activities far off hormones and then apply it to her.

While you are figuring out the chemical formula your job is to drain the cortisol out of your world, once the stress is gone and she begins to associate you with joy, achievement, closeness and all the other good feelings her attitude towards you will begin to change and libido will follow shortly behind. You must never ask for it, never pester her again, don’t ever get mopey around her, I cannot stress this enough, comedians have a rule about going out on a laugh, you must leave your wife with a higher mood than you find her, make her laugh in the morning, turn on your heel and walk out the door! Raise your vibration, be upbeat, confident, happy and above all positive.

She’s not the woman you fell in love with and you definitely aren’t the man she fell in love with so it’s time for you to go back and be the guy who flooded her with all those amazing chemicals. It’s going to take about a month of consistency to start seeing change but it will come if you are doing this from a truly noble place.  I sense some contempt in your writing and that will poison everything so really sit and think if you want her, if the answer is yes then you have your direction, if you’re even a little bit on the fence then doing this work will make you angry and frustrated and it will blow up on your face.

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NP but sympathize with OP and I hear what you’re advising. It’s hard though. Really hard. You say it takes a month but what about when you think you’ve been consistently doing the right things and it has been a year?  Give up?  Maybe sometimes your partner doesn’t *want* to want to fix things. [/quote]

There is always the possibility of rejection and failure but wouldn’t you rather try and see what hard work brings you? By telling him not to try because it might not work only condemns him to more loneliness and the eventual dissolution of his marriage.

Even if they don’t wind up happier together this undertaking will make him far more resilient, well-rounded, way more emotionally intelligent and far more attractive to a new partner if the union is indeed over.  If the guy has been feeling like this for a long time he needs to build himself back up, start getting smarter, join a gym, quit drinking, take some night classes, stop doing the minimum.

OP, this takes time but you will see gradual change and that gradual change will begin compounding as you start to figure out how to push the right buttons. Everything in your life will start working better until one day when you get a pic from your wife standing in front of the mirror in those little pink panties you love to see her in.

They didn’t go down the drain overnight and he’s not gonna fix this overnight, success is the intentional progression of a worthy ideal and as long as he can get some really minor wins he can turn this around. 
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