Reply to I don’t understand how people claim the affair partner is blameless?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]When my sister was on OLD she ended up going out with LOTS of married men. Every single one of them said they had an "open marriage" ...

Bullllllllshirt.

The anger I've seen poured out at the "other woman" is completely unwarrented.

Even in this thread, using terms like "pump and dump" and I've seen in other places "Cum dumpsters" and "trash humans" or a "warm hole" ... wow.

Is there no compassion for people here? I mean, even in this thread about nobody in particular the women are being demonized.

Of course it isn't right to sleep with somebody else's spouse.  But the real villian is your spouse. Not the AP. I'm not saying they are blameless, but they are not for you to blame. Your marriage, your spouse, and your actions are the only things that you need to focus on. Not the AP. Because it is your spouse seeking to cheat on you. The person sleeping with your spouse has their own sh!t to work on, for sure, and possibly their own work on their marriage or relationship. But they are not to blame for anything going wrong in your marriage. Not a thing. Whomever said the AP is a placeholder is right. They are so irrelevant to your marital problems.

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What kind of call to feminism is it to critique BW for directing some blame at OW who may have been actively trying to break up her marriage? "To blame" someone doesn't actually do anything to them. It doesn't shorten their life expectancy, cost them money or a job or a relationship. It's just a feeling. A very natural feeling. OW are allowed to be hot messes with sh!t to work on . . . but BW must be stoic automatons who discover an affair and then smile benevolently at all involved? That is a weird double standard. If she dares to have *feelings* about this OW rather than forgetting her existence in a millisecond, then she must be failing to blame her husband, right? No human brain could possibly entertain both trains of thought at the same time, could it?[/quote]

[b]No one is saying the wife can’t have feelings.[/b]  She can be angry, sure, but the person who was ACTIVELY trying to break up her marriage was her husband.

Anger is generated when your rights are being tromped on. You can feel all the anger you want, in fact you aren’t really in control of that.  You are in control of what you do with that anger and yelling, confronting or blaming the OW won’t help you deal with your marital mess. It is just a way to vent anger.  Your rights were tromped on by your partner who you had a vow/expectation with, that is who your anger belongs to.

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"It is that the wife often focuses her anger and insecurities on the OW rather than focusing on healing and fixing her self."

"You don’t get to blame someone who never made a commitment to you."

"If you believe the spouse can be forgiven then obviously the AP didn’t do you such a bad turn that you’re not literally having sex with the person who brought them into your life."

"The anger I've seen poured out at the "other woman" is completely unwarrented [sic]."

"I'm not saying they are blameless, but they are not for you to blame."

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