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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Would I let my 15-year-old daughter go to her boyfriends house?

This is such a difficult question for me because when I was young I did so much even when parents were around. My parents let my boyfriend visit in our home while they were there and I was giving him oral sex when I was 14. We didn’t care that the parents were in the house. I’m sure my parents had absolutely no idea that that was what we were doing and they thought we were just in the basement watching a movie on the VCR or whatever. They let me visit his house when his parents were there and of course we just did whatever we wanted in his room.

By 16 I was having actual sex in cars, in fields, in the woods, and my parents really knew nothing about where I was because I lied. My parents were extremely conservative and did not believe in premarital sex and did not discuss any of this with me. Sex was a completely forbidden topic of conversation. I went to planned parenthood for contraception. Unfortunately for me sex was mostly about pleasing the guy back then. I had a lot of experiences that I’m super not happy about.

I think the best thing you can do is talk openly about sex from a young age and try to talk to your children about valuing themselves and that all sexual activity should be part of respectful relationships. I am very open about the fact that I think sex is great but that I think it is something for mature people who are in loving, meaningful relationships. My kids are only 13 and 10 but already we talk about stuff like consent, etc. when there’s stories in the news about stuff that has happened with teenagers or whatever I share those with them and we talk about it.

I think if my 15-year-old daughter wanted to go to her boyfriends house, I would openly discuss my concerns. I would say that I know she wants to make out with him, etc, but that I worry that she’s too young to have sex and that I hope she will not. I would tell her that whatever they do together she needs to make sure that she’s enjoying it just as much as he is and then if she’s getting any pressure from him that’s not OK. I would probably talk to her about contraception and safe sex even if she wasn’t going to have it. I wouldn’t call the boys’ parents to find out if they were going to be there because what would that really achieve?[b] The only protections your kids are really going to have are their internal emotional ones. [/b]If they don’t have those then they are going to be subject to all kinds of pressures to take all kinds of risks. Saying she could go to her boyfriends house but only if his parents are there seems weird to me…It seems to imply that what she does with her body is somehow controlled externally. Calling the boys parents and talking to them seems like talking to entirely the wrong person.[/quote]

THIS one sentence is really all everyone needs to know.  Being a helicopter, demanding abstinence, deny dating, etc... is NOT going to work if the teen wants to do it.  And the more you put up an effort, there is a likelihood they will want it more.

You need to communicate and help them understand why you feel they aren't ready. And yes, you can show them stats and involve them in what may happen if they break-up and how there could be much more regret they did something instead of waiting etc....

Be loving, concerning, and still give them BC options if they change their mind today or 6 months from now.  And always tell them they can come to you to talk or to help anytime and anyplace without judgement.

But in the end, you can't monitor a teen 24/7 and while I am completely against teens being alone in a house, I am not naive that it will happen elsewhere if they want it.  So parent them, teach them, support them, and trust that they will make good decisions and be there for them if they make mistakes.  But in the end, the only protection is the teen's decision.  [/quote]

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