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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]In front of you?

My boyfriends teenage sons are fairly polite and civil to me in front of him.

They are much less nice to me when he is around.

Which feels very….manipulative.

I haven’t decided yet if it’s a deal breaker [/quote]

Oh big typo sorry

They are much LESS nice to me when he IS T around. Curt one word answer, unpleasant facial expressions. Nothing solid I can report to my boyfriend but just a very unfriendly vibe.

I did not meet my boyfriend until two years after the divorce so no I am not the AP[/quote]
Why do you even need to be around them when your boyfriend isn’t there? They are allowed to not like you.[/quote]

They don’t need to like me, but they do need to be civil and polite to me, as I am to them. I’m not alone with them for long stretches. I’m talking like, we are sitting at dinner and dad goes inside to get something and their attitude completely changes for the few minutes thwt he is gone,[/quote]

Point blank question- were you a party in the break up of their parents’ marriage?[/quote]

No. I did not meet their dad until three years after the divorce was final. I would never date a man whose divorce was not final. I don’t even date men who have been divorced less than a year.[/quote]

Maybe they just don't like you. Would you automatically like someone who forced herself into your family life?[/quote]

NP. I would say their father invited her, rather than that she "forced herself" into their life. Really they should be acting out with their father, but she's an easier target. This is why if I became widowed, I would never date a man with children at home. [/quote]

Okay, their father forced them to allow her into their lives, and she chose to be a part of that coercion. What difference does it make? [/quote]

I am sorry your parents got divorced and that you still feel upset by that. But children, whether minors or adults, should not be attempting to control or be given the ability to control their parents' dating lives. Sometimes people marry people other people don't like. Like in-laws. Let's say a grown daughter dates and marries someone she chooses - is she coercing her parents and other family into accepting her husband? No. She chose him, she is part of the family, so he gets folded into the family fold. And people should be civil and polite to him. Same goes for parents remarrying. It may not be ideal, but it's life. It is not someone forcing their way into a family or someone coercing their family members into liking someone.

You need to give up on this idea that a child of divorce - or even worse the ex of someone who is divorced - has the right to make the decision about who dates who. The person in the relationship gets to decide who they want to date. Children shouldn't be trying to manipulate their parents' into not dating people. It's not healthy. That's giving kids too much power. And if you are the ex, you need to accept that once you divroce someone...he gets to marry or date who he wants. He's not doing something wrong if he dates or remarries. If you didn't want your kids having a stepmom, well, don't get divorced. Some exes still want to control their ex husbands post divorce. That is not how it works.[/quote]

What? No, it's not the same thing at all. Nobody thinks children should get to determine their parents' dating decisions. Since OP's situation is not going well after years of effort, it may be time for HER to decide to call it. Not the kids' decision. But they do not have to like her. Genuine liking of someone cannot be coerced. [b]And yes, it is coercive, even if it's okay that it's coercive. Let's be honest about what's going on here.[/b] The kids do not have a choice about this person being in their home and in their family time. Children of divorce have very little choice and control, and so they exercise what little influence they have through social behavior.

And it's not the same as having a DIL or SIL. Not the same at all. Because for a non-senile adult, they can't be forced to co-habit with a DIL or SIL against their will. And the DIL or SIL doesn't have the same authority over their MIL and FIL that a step-parent has over a minor child. It's not even close to the same thing.[/quote]

This is preposterous. By your definition, any decision that a parent imposes on a child is coercive. Requiring them to do chores is coercive. Finishing the broccoli on their plate is coercive. You devalue the meaning of the word by throwing it around so casually. I’d wager you’ve never experienced true coercion. If you had, you wouldn’t use it in such trivial contexts.[/quote]

Bro. Making a child live with a person they don’t like and doesn’t like them is a BIG deal.  [/quote]

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