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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I've seen this, too. I saw a three year old bite her little sister, hard, and get nothing more than a casual "we don't bite." I was shocked.

This new "time outs are cruel" school of thought is a nightmare. Yes, sometimes there are natural consequences that can work, and that's great, but Jesus, if you take a chunk out of your sisters arm, you can go sit by yourself for a hot minute. [/quote]

Time outs are cruel because they leave kids alone at the point where they probably most need connection. Removing the child from the situation and staying with your child as you explain what they need to do better is ideal. And you need to balance that with giving your child positive attention when they are behaving well so they don't misbehave in order to get attention. Isolation should only be a punishment if you really cannot be with your kid at that moment. [/quote]

Kids who are having a meltdown or are really upset or angry cannot process anything you're saying to them in the moment. Having them take a time out gives them space to calm down. THEN you talk to them about their behavior, what they should do instead, etc. The purpose of the time out isn't isolation for isolation's sake--it's to give them time and space to regulate their emotions. [/quote]

They can’t regulate such a high emotional activation on their own, they need co regulation. Their hardware isn’t even set up to do that, the neo cortex in undeveloped.[/quote]

I never said they were left to fend for themselves. But teaching them how to calm down isn't the same "connection" or "explaining to them what they need to do better." The age of the child matters a lot, too. The point is that they first need to be calm before you start talking to them about what happened and what they need to do differently for next time. [/quote]

I think you are confused. If a child does something unacceptable (like hit someone or break something on purpose) the primary goal is immediate consequences- not helping them calm down. For some kids this may be a time out, others a loss of a privilege.

If the child is having a tantrum then yes, you wait it out until they are calm.

As for didactically teaching “how to calm down” - I am actually skeptical that any of what is advised actually helps. It seems more geared towards adults than kids. I’ve seen my son grow in ability to self-regulate with maturity. I also do a lot of positive reinforcement when I see him stay calm. But “take a deep breath Larla!!” has never seemed to work. [/quote]

You have to teach them to do it when they aren't disregulated, and then remind them (and even do it with them) when they are. You're right, "take a deep breath Larla" when they are freaking out won't work. DD was an extremely, extremely difficult child and it wasn't until after I learned to do this and then actually did it that we could make it through the day without meltdowns. Obviously not every kid needs this kind of intensive parenting but it really does work. [/quote]

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