Reply to I hate being stuck at $230k HHI and feel poor AF

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think that OP feels poor because her DH makes half her income.

It is a paucity mentality that comes from not marrying a good provider for a DH. Also, no kids is fine, but, if they do have kids, the mom may not be able to work or take time off because she is the bread-winner.

OP feels poor because she is in a catch-22 situation. I bet she cannot even get out of this marriage because she will have to pay alimony.

[/quote]

There is something to this. I mean, if no kids I think it's less of a big deal. But I have always outearned my DH and it became a real issue when we had a kid because he doesn't pull his weight with childcare but he also makes way less so he's not helping to outsource any of it either. It results in a LOT of resentment because if I'm going to be the breadwinner by a lot, at the very least I expect him to make it easier for me to do my job by contributing more at home. Instead he sets his job up to be as inflexible as possible (I do drop off and pick up on my own three days a week because he claims he has to be in the office by 8am on days he's in the office, and his commute is further so he's never home in time for pick up either) and is totally checked out on a lot of kid-centric tasks like school, camp, and activities.

We actually had a pretty egalitarian marriage before kids and therefore the income imbalance didn't bother me, but I really underestimated how much of the parenting would fall to me by default, and how little he'd do to counteract that. So now I look at his income and it annoys me because I'm exhausted all the time, do so much more at home and with our kid, and yet he fights me tooth and nail on anything that might make my life easier (house cleaners, additional childcare, meal kits, etc.) because he claims we "can't afford it."

Whatever, people on here will tell me "you married him" and I did, but I also think this is a broader problem about men not doing their fair share and it's why, if I had it to do over again, I'd look for a partner who earned as much if not more than me because then when he didn't help at home or with kids, at least I could remind myself that he was an equal partner or even the breadwinner financially, and that's a meaningful contribution.[/quote]

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