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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote]Having hobbies you share with friends is different from meeting your bang partner for a hook up and you know it.[/quote]

Why? Someone who golfs for 8 hours every weekend is a better parent than someone who spends say 8 hours a month with their bang partner? [/quote]

I don't think either of them is winning parenting awards.

When you have young kids, your focus should be those kids. Of course you can have friends and hobbies, but they can't be prioritized over your kids because your kids need you more. What you give them in childhood forms the foundation for their entire life. It's really important and worth missing out on some golf or only seeing your friends a couple nights a month so that you can be fully present. People also step back at work to be their for their kids. No one is saying that an open relationship is worse than being an absent parent in other ways.

But the logistics of an open relationship absolutely pose issues in terms of being very present for your kid. Especially in a situation like OP's where it sounds like the marriage has become transactional and they have ZERO interest in monogamy. OP and their spouse have decided they just can't sacrifice some of their own preferences for the sake of their kids. That sucks for the kids, no matter what it is they won't sacrifice.

Why not open your marriage before and after having young kids, if that matters to you? What the problem with just keeping things monogamous for maybe 10-15 years while you raise kids? The same way you might suck it up and live in the house with good schools instead of the city apartment near all the great nightlife, or take the job that is going to help you pay for college instead of following the passion project that doesn't pay as well. People sacrifice for their kids all the time. It's normal and actually good.[/quote]

Having friends and hobbies in a substantial way is not being an "absent parent". Back when having kids was just a normal part of adult life and not some kind of special sacrifice, adults knew this. Now we have UMC parents who are way too involved with their kids and kids who need more space and more time with their peers and not their parents. Just think: you could have hobbies and friends, and then so could your kid.[/quote]

Lots of parents have hobbies they share with their family/kids. It’s fun to spend time with your family/kids. Polyamorous people don’t think it’s fun or worthwhile to spend time with their children.

Parents have friends.  People who are in a sexual relationship with a parent aren’t friends- they are a sex partner. Sex partners should be having what contact with kids? How much time do polyamorous people spend weekly/monthly with their sex partners?

Your post admits that you think kids get too much attention and parental involvement, and having sex outside your marriage is your “hobby” and your sexual partners your friends. You center your life around sex with these people. Your kids cannot and should not be a part of that. Polyamorous people don’t care about their kids. They are selfish and think sex with whatever sex partner is hanging above is the meaning of life. [/quote]

Actually, my hobbies are my hobbies and my friends are my friends. I don't take my kids with me to the gym to work out, or to my professional/networking-related groups, either. I think there are reasons to not be comfortable with non-monogamy, but "you must sacrifice for your kids' entire childhood and not have a life outside of them" is the worst possible take on this. Bad for the parents, bad for the kids. [/quote]

I’m the person you were accusing of thinking parents shouldn’t have hobbies. I didn’t say that. I’m a parent, I have hobbies.

I was responding to someone who want to equate being polyamorous as a parent with someone who holds for 8 hours every Saturday, as both are spending a lot of time away from their kids. My point was that most good parents give SOMETHING up for their kids. A hobby that takes you away from your family all day every Saturday is extreme— are you never going to attend a single soccer game? That kind of rigid dedication to a hobby even when you have young children is selfish. Go golf for 3 hours. Be flexible about when you go. Be willing to sometimes take your kids mini golfing instead. Your life is not just about you once you have kids and you have to be willing to make space for your kids.

Of course parents can and should have hobbies. But there is also compromise and sacrifice too. It is developmentally important for young children to believe they are their parents’ priority, because this offers them the sense of safety snd security necessary to develop a healthy sense of self. As they get older they will begin to push away and you have to compromise less. But when kids are young, expecting them to just fit themselves around the existing contours of your life, whether that’s a golf obsession or mom’s boyfriend who she spend two night a week with, is selfish. If that’s what you want, don’t have kids.[/quote]

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