Reply to if you or your spouse cheated- how did you tell the kids?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My parents divorced when I was 12. At first, I had no idea why they were separating. My mom cheated my dad years before, had ended the affair when we moved, and continued to be unhappy. She didn't start another affair but did ask for a divorce. I found out about the affair because my father was SO mean during the divorce negotiations, including telling me about mom's affair and saying things like "I guess your mom just doesn't appreciate family life." I am the oldest of my siblings and witnessed a lot more active fights between them than my siblings did.

Frankly, I only lost respect for my dad in that situation. He behaved awfully during the divorce. I understand that he was hurt, but he really went out of his way to make it difficult for my mom. He paid very little in child support, despite her being the primary caregiver and (at the time) SAHM. The schedule he insisted on made it really difficult for her to build a career. I was pretty aware of those dynamics due to being in my tweens/teens when it was all going down. They found age appropriate ways to explain specific things, but I don't think either of my siblings is really aware of the full dynamic because they were too young to put two and two together.

Either way, I know it's a popular answer on this forum that children don't respect the parent who cheats. In my personal experience, children respect the parent who behaves in the most stable way. They care about how things affect them. My father's anger with my mother and inability to not communicate that anger to me, plus their lack of boundaries re me witnessing conflict, really resulted in my not trusting HIM. My mom has been willing to answer any questions I have had about that time in our lives. My father never was, and he has since passed, so the opportunity is gone now.

TL,DR: the most important thing for the kids is how they are treated and how their lives are disrupted. That stability is almost never accomplished by including them in adult problems, even if they are teenagers and technically "old enough to understand."[/quote]

This is a really thoughtful perspective.

I'm a PP who was cheated on and will disclose the reasons why I divorced when my children ask as teens or older (they have asked, but are only in elementary, and I have said "it just didn't work out.") Ironically (?) my former spouse - the cheater - has chosen to villainize me post-divorce and, after I left him, did everything he could to destabilize me, including emptying our shared accounts.  I was on welfare with toddler and a baby while he was making good money (I'd been a SAHM in a foreign country - trailing spouse).

I don't know why any divorcing spouse chooses to go scorched earth, particularly when kids are involved.  Despite my great sadness, I've taken pains to never malign my former spouse with our kids.  He has not done the same.  When I do tell them the truth, I will be factual: "I found out that your dad was seeking out and having sex with other women.  I could not live in such an environment."  I also will not belabor the point. I would never think to put it in terms of "your scumbag cheating dad was out screwing hookers."

Putting your own vitriol and disappointment on your kids is really inappropriate emotionally.  I'm sorry, PP, that you went through such a difficult time.[/quote]

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