Reply to If you are married to a big law partner, how involved are they in your family's home life?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I met my DH in law school and we both started out as newleyweds in BigLaw.  After a time working as an attorney and then consulting, I ended up a SAHM.  We've been married 24 years, and now have one in college and one senior in HS.

No, he's not very involved in the home life--even though he's been working at home since March 2020.  He's working all the time.  Although I left my firm before I was senior enough to become a partner, I remember it well and as a result I don't give my DH much crap about it/am not resentful.

But I will say that I wouldn't really do this again, because after decades here, the work-comes-first patterns are entrenched.  He's not really too clear about what's going on in our DC's lives.  Our older DC is resentful of that and she says she has "Daddy issues."   I have to say, if I were to give him a grade on fatherhood (AFTER you take out the really horrible fathers like absent or abusive ones)--just looking at a subset of stereotypical good fathers--I'd give him a B-   which is a big disappointment for me to think, or say.

He got a huge health scare last year, and still made his hours even while in chemo.  Then after he was "cured," he went away for a month to visit his elderly mom and his sister and her family.  All the while, working.  I don't begrudge him that at all, it wasn't like he went to Vegas; he was overdue to see his family.  But, here is my point--the household ran just fine without him.  I can't even imagine leaving for a few days, let alone a month, and not having the household fall apart.  It just underscored his disconnect with the rest of the family. Our remaining DC said it was sort of relaxing not having him around.

ugh. This was really sad to type.  And at the same time, he is a wonderful guy in so many ways.  These situations are never black and white.[/quote]

This is really insightful.  I think helping out at home and with kids makes you feel like you have a stake in your family life since you expended effort in those  spheres of life.  How do these men feel that connection to their family/kids life if they aren’t engaged in their life?  [/quote]
Top PP here.  I agree with you.  Two more quick examples.  To celebrate that DH was home after this month-long absence where he saw family (while still working like crazy), we were going to dinner last night.  He had a call with a client until 6:30 so we made reservations for 7pm.  At 6:50 I'm like, hello...and he's typing away furiously trying to get done.  He says "pull the car out of the driveway and I'll hop in."
Okay, seriously, think about this.  I have do do everything else...take out the dog, close the curtains, etc and when the kids were little, get them all ready etc etc.  I have to literally pull out the car and wait for him to go from computer to car.  There is just NO effort by him expended on the family, the house, or even arranging this date.  Then at dinner his watch is buzzing him.  ugh.

Second example.  Our senior in high school DC is (like a recruited athlete) and now is not the time for DC to get injured, but DC got injured.  I took DC to the doctor today and the short story is all is well and DC can continue to do their sport.  DH walks out of his office at 7:15pm and wonders why the car is gone.  I said that DC went to their sport and flips out, furious.  "DC is going to get more injured WTF is DC doing going to their sport?" etc.  I explain that we went to the doctor, got an x-ray, what the diagnosis was, etc etc and DC is fine to continue their sport.  DH says "that's BS, that doctor must be used to giving patients what they want."

I said nicely, "Look, you weren't there.  If you were there, you could discuss it with the doctor, but...you weren't there, so you can have your opinion but it's not going to change the outcome. If you wanted something different, you would have had to have come."

And I'm sick of that because the format is that he just parachutes in, has a HUGE opinion, and then says something along the lines of "Fine. Don't listen to me." and retreats back to his work.

That wasn't the case when the kids were little because they were little kid problems.  But when the kids are older and have their own opinions and ideas, and issues are more complicated, he just doesn't have any credibility.  It's then a vicious circle, because then he retreats.

Since OP was asking about her DH, I'll say this:  It really is an unusual man that can successfully navigate the pressures of big law firm culture and family life. It's not really set up to have eggs in more than one basket, and the $$ compensation for eggs all in the BigLaw basket often psychologically justifies keeping eggs out of the family basket.[/quote]

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