Reply to If you lost weight for your spouse, did it help your marriage?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Why didn't DH bring this up before OP gained a full 40 pounds?[/quote]

OP here.  
I gained most of the the weight during my second pregnancy.  After I had my daughter, DH had his own crisis, and I had to help him navigate through that, take care of the kids, and financially support the family since he couldn’t work.  I didn’t lose any of the weight I gained while pregnant.  Once he came out of his crisis, I got pregnant again with the intention of him being a SAHD.  During my pregnancy, he found a dream job in the Midwest.  He moved, and I had the baby, took maternity leave, then wrapped things up with closing down my practice, selling the house, and finding a job near DH.  That took about a year.  And again I didn’t lose all of the weight that I gained while pregnant.

Moving with three little kids was stressful.  I didn’t like the new city, and I missed my support system.  I wanted to move back.  He didn’t.  I thought about murdering him pretty regularly.  To put it mildly, we did not have a marriage built on direct communication.

Over the next couple of years, things got a lot better between us.  He settled in with the new job and wasn’t gone so much.  I found a happy place with my job here.  We made some friends.  Kids got a little older.  Our marriage and family life has been really stable and good and happy for the last couple of years. He also built up his career, and now he makes a lot more money than I do (about twice as much).

I think he brought it up now because 
a) he expected that once all of the turmoil was over, I would lose the weight and I didn’t,
b) he has been thinking that since he makes more money, he “deserves” to have his wife look a certain way, 
and c) because our marriage is stable enough that he felt that he could tell me anything.

So, that is how he didn’t say anything until a decade after I had gained most of the weight.

[/quote]

The move and job information is interesting. Are you truly content in the new city, or do you still miss your old support system and want to move back? Honestly, I think that some of the your anger about the weight comments is rooted in the fact that you picked up and moved for him and he now significantly out earns you, partially because of your sacrifice to move to a city you weren't thrilled about moving to.

It's understandable to feel upset by his comments. Your points about all of the other great qualities (job, mom, sex, etc) are valid. You sound a little naive about how appearance-oriented most men are. But, you said that you've already lost 20 of the 40 pounds, and 20 pounds over your goal weight is not that much. If he is haranguing about 20 pounds after bearing 3 kids, than that is a bit ridiculous. I think you should see a therapist (for yourself, not couples counseling) to examine and lingering anger issues; and to help you figure out what you want. What will you do if you can't get over these anger issues? Would you consider divorce? Would it help things to return to your previous city? It sounds like you bring a lot to the table and are feeling undervalued by your spouse. Good luck.  [/quote]

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