Reply to “The Harsh Reality of Gentle Parenting”

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Reply to "“The Harsh Reality of Gentle Parenting”"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Just about everything being "child-led": I don't think that's a problem at all.

I think that when you make things all about what the child needs, it can relieve this huge burden. You can just focus on getting your kid what your kid actually *needs*, rather than trying to make your kid behave a certain way. Like, my child does not *need* to get good grades. What she needs is to learn to work and to figure this out for herself. So I offer help but her grades are her responsibility. I rarely spend any time helping her with school, and I think I have much more time to do fun things instead of checking parentvue every day.

Also it doesn't mean you have to be a doormat. In fact, kids need to be taught to not treat others like doormats. They need an example of somebody standing up for themselves, setting boundaries, and getting their own needs met. And I think the principles in gentle parenting that I have learned help parents do this in a really effective way. Parents need to deal with their own issues instead of just trying to make kids act a certain way. [/quote]

+1 and I think one reason I like "child-led" parenting is that it's a reminder that my job as a parent is to guide and facilitate my kid becoming a functioning adult. I[b] think parents who are very authoritarian also view it as the child's job to adapt to their (the parent's) adult life, including their moods, schedule, etc. I think this is wrong. My kid's job is not to make sure I'm in the right headspace for work, or that I meet my social obligations or whatever. It's not her job to be quiet and unobtrusive and compliant so that I can take care of all my grown up obligations. None of that is her job.[/b]

If my kid doesn't understand how to calm down after getting frustrated, my job as a parent is to stop and figure out how to help her learn. I might have to do it a bunch of times. The end goal is that she learns to handle frustration. If my response to her getting frustrated and yelling is "I don't have time for this, just be quiet" then maybe I get to go back to my work or TV show or adult conversation or whatever, but all she's learned is that as long as she is quiet I don't really care if she understands how to manage frustration. That's not "authoritative" it's neglectful.[/quote]

Absolutely and I don't think you even need to be an authoritarian parent to view kids that way! I think that even really good parents can sort of have this idea in the back of their minds that kids need to accommodate the parent. [/quote]

Raises hand.  Yes, I have that idea.  The children enter into the family and fit in.  The parents don't fit into the child's family.[/quote]

So if the parents like to go to restaurants and bars and stay up late and watch movies and travel extensively, then a 2yo or 3yo is supposed to just do all those things with them and never complain or get tired or bored? The child can't need consistency, or earlier bed times, or more time with same-age kids? They just need to be mini adults who share all the same interests as their parents and never be unhappy or uncomfortable with that?

I know a lot of parents who really do think this. And some of their kids actually do become tiny adults who love sushi and are seasoned travelers and will sit quietly while adults discuss politics or whatever. And they also have meltdowns, get depressed, and have can have very disrespectful or dysfunctional relationships with their parents.

Kids change families. Even if you already have kids, a new kid will change the family. And yes, you do have to adjust the family to accommodate the needs (not wants, needs) of the youngest and most vulnerable family members. Within reason, of course, but still -- you have to adjust.[/quote]

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