Reply to Are sons missing a genetic gene on caring about their parents?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]One thing I learned from caregiver hell is that rather than waste time obsessing over what your siblings don't do is you should look at how much you are enabling your parents to have it easy to your own detriment all while they treat you like garbage. I did A LOT of things my parents could hire people to do and as the appreciation waned and the cruelty increased I finally backed away. They were LIVID when I finally backed away, but sure enough there was boatloads of money to pay people and they found people. I don't need an inheritance. I need my sanity. In the end my siblings were smart not to get so involved. low and behold after years of helping my parents I am the evil child who can do no right and they, who did nothing can do no wrong. [/quote]

+1 So much truth here.

My parents became more demanding as they aged because they were stressed (borderline obsessed) with their "legacy". A big trigger for them has been as their siblings have died, they have seen how their nieces and nephews have handled those losses, they've heard the eulogies. And they have clearly become concerned that they will not be as missed. And I'm going to be honest with you -- they probably won't be in some cases. One of my uncles was absolutely beloved by his daughters in part because he was a single father after their mom left them and just an incredibly kind and gentle soul who loved them for who they are in a very simple and pure way. My cousins love and miss their dad, and cared for him in a very specific way when he got sick, that I don't think would be realistically possible in my relationship with my parents.

So you have to set boundaries and accept that this might hurt your parents. But I'm not going to fake a certain kind of relationship that simply doesn't exist to help my parents feel better as they age. I understand why they want it, but it really would not be fair to me. I care for them, but I have limits, and you better believe there are things where I just say "Ok, I'm happy to help you figure out who we can come take care of that for you." I'm not going to be their nursemaid. The fact that this is something they want is mildly disturbing to me. I don't think my uncle wanted that for my cousins, either.[/quote]

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