Reply to What’s the end game plan for a cheating husband?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]To the PPs, above, I am a man, and I admit I have all those traits women value - tall, attractive, outspoken, charming, professionally successful, etc. And I raised the issue of sexual rejection repeatedly for years, like a decade. I bought the books (come as you are, etc), tried to articulate physical touch as my love language. I could give you 15 examples of being proactive and at least partially vulnerable with my wife.

And nothing changed. In fact, it got worse.

So my choices are: 1) remain faithful and miserable; 2) divorce and hurt the kids, our finances, social standing; or 3) find someone in a similar situation, stay married and sane and if I get caught, I am at worse where I would be with option 2.

tl;dr sometimes men do open up and still face rejection. Not all women who are cheated on are victims or blameless.[/quote]

Oh please. Get over yourself. So you tried, it failed. That happens to literally everybody, in every facet of life. This is the whole point of emotional vulnerability: you won't always get what you want. If you did, it wouldn't be vulnerable! Nobody who is advocating for men to have more emotional intelligence is saying it's going to be the solution to your problems. [/quote]

Do you see the irony in your post?  [b]Here is man expressing emotional vulnerability and a woman responds with essentially 'grow up, get over it'.[/b]  JFC.

There is a wall he can't break through for whatever reason.  OP, it could be hormone issues, it could be a thyroid related issue (some causes depression, anxiety, loss of libido), it could be a body image issue, it could be stress/work/childcare/etc, she could be having an affair (emotional or physical) herself, who knows?

The only thing I would suggest is that you need to be blunt, VERY blunt and with urgency if you have truly tried all of those things and can't through.  Sit her down, tell her what you are going through--the physical and emotional intimacy you miss and aren't getting, ask what is wrong, if there is anything more she needs--help on the home front, etc.,  and basically say: I can't live like this.  If we can't resolve this I will have to get it outside of the marriage and I don't want to do that.  I only want you.

The fall out from her finding out about your cheating and the hurt is going to be a trillion times worse (epic proportions) than having this painful, hard conversation.  But, you owe it to yourself, her and the kids to have this blunt conversation before going outside of the marriage.  And since you already have, you need to get end it, get into individual therapy and talk this over with a professional.[/quote]

Are you a woman? If so, you are chastising me because I am not coddling a man's feelings, and that feeds into the exact same cycle that is causing these issues in the first place. Men don't like to deal with negative feelings so we all tiptoe around men so they don't have negative feelings, and then they have a hard time learning to deal with them in the first place.

Sometimes people need to be told to get a grip on themselves. Sometimes that is the appropriate response to an expression of emotion. I trust that this guy is an adult who can handle what I, a random internet commenter, said to him.

Your advice is good, though. I would add that PP could benefit from therapy, too. And I don't say this as an insult like some people do, everybody at some point in their life could benefit from therapy but especially someone in a marriage that has been struggling for so long. [/quote]

So you think telling someone "get over yourself" is a healthy and normal response to someone giving an honest statement about their thoughts and feelings? Are you married?[/quote]

+1 yes, I was a woman.  And I still think her post was a perfect example of why men don't want to express any vulnerability.  [b]They basically get called a p*ssy by women and told to deal.  Forget having any discourse or empathy.[/b][/quote]

Plus 1, this is why men don't talk about the distress that a lack of sexual affection causes. So many women, including this PP, have the reaction of "deal with it" or "your penis needs attention? Waaaaa!"

The idea you can raise a point repeatedly and be shut out of solutions, well at that point, I don't know I would tell my spouse I am now seeking it elsewhere. That sounds a lot like the open marriage guy. If your spouse is begging for affection and you refuse him/her, repeatedly, I am not that sympathetic to you getting cheated on. What do you think its going to happen?[/quote]

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