Reply to is nose-to-wall timeout too harsh?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Yes, it is too harsh. It's also ineffective. I think the real red flag that you are on the wrong track is that the "nose to wall" punishment is an escalation of your original punishment, which you deemed ineffective because your son kept trying to talk to your daughter.

Take a step back. Is talking to his sister normally a punishable offense? Do you think being able to communicate with a family member is a "privilege" that must be earned? Stop and really think about this.

My instinct in this situation would be to get curious about why my son always wants to talk to his sister when he's in time out. I know a lot of parents will jump to the conclusion "because he knows he's not supposed to!" That's a parent-centric thought pattern. You assume everything he's doing is meant to push boundaries or to disobey you, because you are focused on getting him to obey. But maybe it has nothing to do with you. Maybe he tries to talk to his sister because she's upset and he wants human interaction. That's really normal. Maybe he can feel your displeasure with him and he wants to connect to another family member to see if she still likes him. He might be trying to solve a problem with this behavior. And you are saying no, you have no agency here, you must be deprived of all comfort. Does that sound harsh to you? It does to me.

I think time outs can be a really effective tool in parenting, especially when emotions escalate. Taking a time out to calm down, and eventually to sort through feelings and, if needed, discuss them, is such a great skill. But it's important that the time out actually help calm. To do that, people usually need some resources. Whether that's snuggling in their room with a favorite stuffed animal, or sitting in mommy's lap, or going outside in nature, or listening to music, or whatever. That's a wonderful gift you can give your child -- "When you get upset, here are some things you can do to help you regulate so that you can move forward." That's a tool they can use forever with friends and family, at work, with their own kids.

Teaching a child that if they mess up, they must be denied physical comfort, human interaction, even the ability to look around the room is going to backfire. Either now or later, probably both. It's just not a sustainable solution to anything and does not arm your child with resources that will help them handle adversity in the future. All you have taught him is compliance. A person who can comply but has no further emotional resources is a ticking time bomb.[/quote]

No, you’re wrong. Positive and negative reinforcements are both key techniques in changing behavior. All the psychodrama you go through is interesting to think about, but will not change disruptive behavior.[/quote]

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