Reply to Family pressure for son’s name

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, as another compromise, what about a great grandfather's name or using the grandfather's middle name?

I also disagree with the sentiment that following a cultural and family tradition is anti-woman.  It's not.  Traditions can be meaningful to a family and create a sense of history and belonging for a child.  They can also evolve over time, but I don't think it should be thrown out flippantly. 
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Not all traditions are anti-woman, but this one clearly is, given that it cuts the mother out of naming her own child, as well as [b]ensuring her child can’t be named to honor anyone on her side of the family.[/b]  It doesn’t get much more anti-women than that.[/quote]
DP here. And I don't see this. They could pick a middle name that is from the mom's side. If it's helpful, DH has his father's first name. His middle name is his maternal uncle's (who died very young) first name. He goes by his middle name. DH is white, and these choices weren't cultural/traditional...but this kind of thing is completely doable. Interestingly, DH's first name is very common in the US, whereas his middle name is not and often bungled by Americans (would not be in the UK). He goes by it nonetheless.[/quote]

If that’s equal, they can pick Hani as a middle name, right?

Also I understood in a previous post the same tradition has the fathers name as the middle. So the tradition cuts out the woman entirely. But that’s ok she’s just carrying and delivering and caring for the child, why should the fact that she dislikes the name matter?[/quote]

Not exactly. Majority of Arabs simply don’t have middle names. Name is the following: “x, son of y, son of z, son of m, son of…. ,last name. With a girl it would be “x, daughter of y, son of z, son of m, son of…. Last name.” So lots of Arabs dunno where to put “son of y son of z of of m” so then they just put fathers name is middle name spot. But it’s not a middle name and the “son of” part can go on forever. Other Arabs living in the west don’t make this substitution and instead adopt the western practice of giving their child a middle name.  And others just leave it blank. So basically there is no middle name tradition in the Arab world. Arabs living here are confused over what to put as the middle name. Some pick a middle name, some just substitute the fathers name (which is not a middle name) and others leave it blank. For our daughters we put my husbands name. Out of our friends, two families did what we did, 3 left it blank, and 5 families picked a middle name for their child. [/quote]

Right...so the tradition is to only honor the fathers side. Since none of those son-ofs have anything to do with the mother/brood mare.  [/quote]
Look, you clearly have no capacity to understand or appreciate that people who come from more traditional cultures may want to respect some of the traditions, even if they have roots in patriarchy. Frankly, so do a ton of Western traditions. But you are coming across as extremely bigoted (and I'm not even Arab) by repeatedly dismissing every single poster who comes from a more traditional culture and is explaining why they might still consider this request.

So, seriously, you sound like an idiot dismissing out-of-hand every cultural tradition that doesn't make sense for you. Are you so dismissive of white ladies who decide to change their names when married? Or, if they don't change their own name, give their kids' their father's last name?[/quote]

Thank you PP. Arab poster here. Yep I didn’t change my last name :D Not our tradition lol (though you will find in Lebanon and Egypt some woman change their last name). Idea is that you don’t “belong” to your husband’s family when u get married. You are still part of your own family and proudly so (remember when I said that Arab names are all about lineage so changing your name just doesn’t make sense). Your identity is still separate. That being said I don’t consider any of my non-Arab friends who change their last names to be “oppressed” in any way. Yes the tradition is rooted in patriarchy (so is the tradition of your father giving you away in the wedding… we don’t do that) but so many traditions are rooted in patriarchy and yet we follow them anyways because well, that’s the way it’s always been. I will outright reject some traditions that are patriarchal and actually do harm. But with things such as names it’s nice to do something we have always done so I just shrug and move on. Come to think about it, why do kids take the husband’s last name? This is in both middle eastern and western cultures. That’s patriarchal too. I know in some latino cultures they also use the mother's last name which is great. Does that make latino culture as a whole less patriarchal? Probably not :D Anyhow I obviously think OP shouldn’t be forced to pick a name she doesn’t want. But in the end, like I said before, OP’s quarrel is really with her husband and not her in laws. If you and your spouse are on the same page then you can defy whatever tradition you want :) I realize OP hasn’t commented at all. Hopefully she has moved on and this is resolved! [/quote]

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