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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]As a person descended from poor white trash who went to southern private schools for 16 years, both k-12 and college, I am an outside observer on the subject of southern rich people.

Some are casually racist, some are not. Usually the richer and more well educated they are, the less classist and racist they are (in my experience) and try to make everyone feel welcome.

The warnings:

If the family welcomes all family members, they will usually have a number of eccentric family members they are fine with. And gay uncle Larlo and his partner Miles, for example, will be invited and embraced at family events, even if they aren't completely out. See, at least partially: a famous politician from SC.

Not all rich southern families are casually racist, but again, those with less money and less education than others are more likely to be racist than the richer, more educated families.

Beware any rich southerners who are still South Baptist or evangelical--they are the most likely to be racist. Episcopalians and Presbyterians, less so.

If I were your DD, I would plan for a longer engagement--she will need it if planning a large wedding that includes the groom's whole family and their old friends.

The one thing I have seen trip up people who marry into rich "old" southern families are the expectations: she needs to figure out what expectations there may be before actually getting married.

Does his family expect them to go to the family vacation house every single year, no matter what? 
Does his family expect the couple to live near them, no matter what?

Does his family expect her to dress and act a particular way? (for example, many of the wealthier southern women I know have a fairly strict unwritten dress code, unless they are considered "eccentric.") It's fine to be eccentric, but there will be pressure to conform, which may continue on if they family is really conservative.

Does his family expect women to stay home and not work after they have children? Do any of his female family members work after having children?

If his family is old southern money, they are used to getting what they want. Your dd needs to observe his family and especially the female relatives, to see if there are any expectations they might not be talking about, which they assume everyone knows about already.

I've known really welcoming, wonderful, generous "old money" southern families, and then I've known others that could have stepped out of a southern gothic novel from the 1950s.[/quote]

I’m the poster from above who married into a UC Southern family and every word of this is spot-on. Well done.[/quote]

Thanks, my private school education was not in vain![/quote]

My mother comes from an old UC Mississippi family, and I agree. Spot on.

I would also add that there can be generational differences. Younger generations can be less racist and more open. It's not universal, though. Some of my young adult cousins would consider themselves not racist, but they just never question (or even seem to notice) their own privilege and the racial status quo of the deep south. Others have really worked to shed much of that baggage.[/quote]

I’m from one of these families (First Families of Virginia/ DAR) but my grandparents and parents were the eccentrics/ hippies.  So we still do the things like thank you notes and cotillion but we also do civil rights protests and pride parades.  The eccentrics will tell the story.  If they are true to form, your family should be invited to the holiday parties and summer house during the engagement.  Chat up the old ladies in hats.  If there is drinking, stay sober and listen.  For the spouses of lawyers a lot of entertaining/ business networking is expected.  Or your dd could go the eccentric route and have her own career.  This will require her husband to be comfortable being robbed about that and standing up for her.

She could suggest she might want to keep her name and see how that goes over.  That can be a great preview into how charged issues are handled.  I kept my name, but my husband has a last name that starts with the same letter, so there was no impact on the monograms 😂[/quote]

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