Reply to Does SAHM make a difference during infant years?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]One thing that influenced my decision to SAH was that on my maternity leave I was around nannies a lot and many of them were mediocre at best[b]. I remember going to story times at the library and the majority of nannies just ignored the kids (and the people from the library) and stared at their phones or chatted with one another, rather than engage with the kids during the story time. Same at parks and playgrounds. [/b]It wasn’t everyone — there were some engaged nannies. But most were bored and inattentive.

When I read the posts on here but everyone’s amazing nannies... I’m sure some people really did have great nannies who engaged your children and cared for them in a really attentive way. But IME that’s not how most nannies are. It was very obvious to me that I was way more focused on my child’s well being than most of the nannies I encountered were on that of the kids they were with. And particularly for children under 18 months (at which point they are fully mobile and not only can handle more independence but need it) there’s no question that a child benefits from being with a truly living and attentive caregiver.

I will say that the most engaged caregivers I encountered during my leave and SAHM days were the grandmas. Even more than most moms, who also get bored and stare at their phones a lot. If that’s an option for you, I’d seize it![/quote]

I have the opposite take on this.  I don’t think the SAHMs or nannies who smother kids when they are out are doing the kids a favor.  The entire point of going to story time is for the librarian to read a story and the kids to see other kids.  The point of the playground is for kids to explore and  to play with other kids.  It’s NOT for parents to play with their kids.  The type of parent you seem to admire is the type who ends up with a five year old who can’t leave mommy without crying.  It isn’t healthy and is selfish of the moms.

It’s a new parenting style to completely 100% focus on your child and have absolutely nothing else going on.  In the past, women had chores to do and other children to tend to.  They rarely spent so much time focusing on one child and entertaining them.  Kids who grow up in an environment where the mom is 100% focused on the child and nothing else are not doing their child any favors.

Judge away at the nannies who sit on the bench at the playground.   But those kids are the ones who end up normal well adjusted kids.  [/quote]

PP here. I agree with you for toddlers and older, but not for babies. Babies need lots of face time with their caregiver. It's a huge part of how they learn language, socio-emotional context, and how they develop secure attachment. I'm talking about nannies of 3-12 month old babies here, not nannies of active, walking toddlers who are wandering around and exploring their environment.

The story times were a perfect example. Those storytimes for very young children are designed to involve caregivers. The librarians leading the story times were constantly begging the caregivers to participate or, at a minimum, put their phones away, because the only way a child under the age of 1 is going to pay attention to a story time is if their caregiver is interested and participating. And as a result, those story times were chaos, the librarians were always visibly frustrated, and those of us who were actually willing to engage with our kids and the person leading the story time were overruled.

There's a difference between someone who will keep your baby safe and someone who will really engage with your baby in the way that is most beneficial to him. My observation is that most nannies are clocking into work but not necessarily really engaging with the babies in the way a SAHM would. I do think it matters less once your child is mobile because at that point they will want to be interacting with the world around them and just need a secure bond with the caregiver so they have that safety/comfort touchstone to return to. But this is why I was somewhat disillusioned to the idea of the amazing nanny as a solution in the first year of life. I feel pretty confident that I was able to give my DD more of what she needed than the nanny or daycare we would have hired, unless we'd really lucked out.[/quote]

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