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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP- the problem with affairs is nobody knows the success stories or couples that survived and then thrived because they are dirty, dark guarded secrets.  Most people tell nobody but a therapist.  You’d be shocked at how many marriages you view as happy and successful were rocked by an affair at some point.

As a therapist, I see it all.  Every situation and every human being is different.  The “once a cheater” is just not true.  People that take deep inventory and WANT to change and put in hard work can and do change.  To think otherwise is to say nobody is ever capable of change.

When you listen to the anecdotal evidence realize that you are much more likely to hear the horror stories, the extremes and the cases where one party did not want to be in a marriage.  You are not getting the stories of those that faced it head on and came out with a much deeper, living marriage.  And, that’s not because there aren’t many of those out there.  It is because they are very private matters which people do not disclose to protect their children.

Good luck.  Hearing what a friend of friend had happen or a scorned man or woman had happen by no means mean that is your situation.  Everyone has different reasons, different traumas, different relationships and personalities.

It’s getting to the heart of your own situation and after deep examination with therapy individually for both of you and after that couples’ you can decide if it is a marriage worth saving, a person that has changed.  You will need safety net while doing this—-things for your protection—as others mentioned: vasectomy, post-nup, therapy and full transparency.

Good luck.  Please take care of yourself.[/quote]

I agree with this poster that likely more marriages are rocked by this than we realize but what doesn’t make sense to me is the comment that we don’t hear stories of success.  Clearly some on here do believe they are successful.

The thing is what is the timeframe for success when people talk about it?  Many cheaters will be found out again after some time as they will have gotten better at hiding or haven’t been stressed enough to want to cheat again.  Statistics will tell you that cheaters are more likely to cheat again.  Obviously you have to figure out whether your situation is the anomaly.  Personally,  I’ve read too many stories on here where they found that the spouse cheated again to assume he won’t cheat again.[/quote]

The spouse who stays is, often, judged even more harshly than the cheater.  And, who among us wants to be the focus of that type of vitriol and judgement from loved ones and strangers, in addition to what we have already experienced, and continue to experience, at the decision making of our partner?  It's a vicious cycle: cheating partner attacks you in the open with someone else and in secret of your understanding of your personal relationship, then public people attack you in the open to your face and in secret behind your back.  Classic blame the messenger / object for your (blamers') fear and uncertainty.  Think of it, objectively, in physical violence terms.  Why did you let that person hit you (unspoken accusation didn't you see it coming, dummy?)?  What's wrong with you (ditto you should have known, therefore you are a dummy)?  Why didn't you defend yourself, ditto another unspoken accusation: you are really dumb to think you are safe or that I-separate person can help you--therefore, indirectly blamer is saying "get away from me, your problems might become mine, etc etc".  None of the attacks feel good, or are welcome, unless you are going to start talking about 'destiny' or 'karma' or 'God's will' etc, etc.  Those reframing answers are emotionally distancing and isolating as well.

The layers and layers of recrimination for something that you could not control* is brutal.  *No amount of love, sex, food, money, poverty, abstinence, hatred, anything can control another person; manipulate another person, yes--that's why personal integrity and personal boundaries and personal decency matter! [/quote]

This people always blame the victim.  They also have to assign blame because in their mind it makes them feel safe in their own marriage. If somebody that is very pretty, very smart, with a great career and a good sex life is cheated on---then what does that mean for my personal situation?  People act like they will catch it.  People want to think it is because there was something wrong with the person that was cheated on...and, you are correct, people that stay are judged more harshly than anyone when in fact the hardest thing ever is for two people to go through and dedicate the 2-5 years it is documented to fully recover and rehabilitate a marriage after an affair.  The easy way out is to throw up your hand in run.  If one party isn't going to do the work and has no motivation to change, by all means RUN.  But, if both are determined to dedicate to the marriage, kids and family---it is the hardest road with the biggest reward at the end.

Hillary, Beyonce, Jada, etc have all spoken out about the type of abuse they took from people for their decision to stay.  [/quote]

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