Reply to Long term affair... trying to wrap my head around if it’s even possible to get over your DH’s 3 yr

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "Long term affair... trying to wrap my head around if it’s even possible to get over your DH’s 3 yr "

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]After 3 yrs that was his girlfriend. [/quote]

This.  The level of deception, commitment, and feelings/attachment that go into making a 3 year affair work is something I could never forgive.  It would be immediate divorce. [/quote]

If he was banging her once a month that doesn’t take a high level of commitment if he was seeing her a few times per week that’s completely different.[/quote]

Is this what people tell themselves when choosing to stay with a cheating spouse? Wow.[/quote]

In long marriages 20+ years, yes.  Kids involved that would have to split their homes and sleep in different places? Yes.

It all depends on circumstances, the individuals and how the marriage was prior to the affair.  The more you study infidelity and men you will learn that men in happy marriages will cheat (up to 60%).  Studies reveal men in affairs rage have some of the highest marital satisfaction while women in affairs have some of the lowest marital satisfaction.

The question is what is he doing now?  How is he acting? Is he in therapy?  Were you happy prior?  [b]To throw away a 20+ year marriage on a midlife crisis and unaddressed issues is a fool’s errand and highly detrimental to the kids.[/b]  Now, if this was a pattern and the marriage had always been riddled with problems and the affair was much more—different set of issues.  It’s a fallacy that once a cheater always a cheater.  Those that see the hurt and devastation in their spouse and do the work never want to go there again.

Nobody should judge anyone else.  I’m fact, there are sooooo many people that face this issue in their marriage, make it work and come out stronger.  You would never guess how many friends. Neighbors or even family may have suffered in silence.  People don’t tell others about affairs.[/quote]

God, I am so tired of people who don't consider the impact of the affair at all on the woman.  Let's reframe what you just wrote -- "to stay in a 20+ year marriage to a man who would betray you in such a way, in whom you will never fully trust again, who was completely unable to restrain his own impulses for the benefit of the wife, marriage and kids, who could not explicitly name and negotiate openly whatever personal issues or conflict underpinned the affair is a fool's errand and highly detrimental to the wife and kids."

No one knows if a person who cheats will cheat again, but I chose not to live under that sword of Damocles, which was highly detrimental to me and my kids.

I didn't tell anyone else about my partner's affair, and that was a HUGE mistake.  I allowed secrecy to take away my authenticity before my friends, my kids and in law family and my community.  People who didn't know about the affair made false assumptions and judgments about behaviors and actions they could see and those false assumptions and judgments, uncorrected by me, were extremely damaging to me and my kids.

There are so many people who faced this issue in their marriage and ended up divorcing over it.  I just found out yesterday that an affair was the reason for a good friend's divorce over 10 years ago.  Neither half of the couple disclosed her affair.

I have every right to judge who I want in my life -- I don't want a spouse who has cheated, and I don't want to be intimate friends with a person who cheated on their spouse.  IME, a cheater has deep problems living in reality and being honest and putting others needs before their own.  It's my right to judge whether I want those people in my circle or not.  I am in control of my own life and not obligated to continue to interact with people who are damaging. [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics